Adoption

[TX_92_Notch]

I know this is a bit far out there for a "car" forum, but this is a diverse local group and most of the banter on here is not car related anyway.

Have any of you ever adopted a child? My wife and I are strongly considering adopting siblings and I'd love to pick your brain if you've been through this.

We're not even considering an infant. It would be older kids, like 5-12 age range.

[Tx Redneck]

God bless yall and iirc, Sgt Beavis has been through it w/his son.

[TX_92_Notch]

God bless yall and iirc, Sgt Beavis has been through it w/his son.

You are correct - I wonder if that was a US adoption or International?

[Unicorn Jeff]

Thehead and Kimmypie have done adoption as well. US side.

[line-em-up]

My wife and I adopted 2 siblings about 14 years ago. I don't remember the details too well, but our started out as a temporary foster care for a year to keep them from getting separated in the system and ended up turning into adoption. They were both still in diapers and are now in highschool.

[slow84lx]

Y'all with the heart for this are awesome people!

My wife was adopted as an infant and had a good life with her parents. She has gotten to know her birth mom over the last 8 years and has a good relationship with them now also, although, it is a little awkward at times. My parents also served many years as house parents in a christian youth home for kids taken from bad situations.

Those who haven't seen it firsthand cannot comprehend what a blessing it is to some of these kids to have a stable home with good parents. The kids do not always know the blessing at the time either. Good luck with this if you follow thru, there are some bad days mixed in with the good ones.

[slow99]

So good to hear - best of luck to you guys, hope it all works out!

[TX_92_Notch]

My wife and I adopted 2 siblings about 14 years ago. I don't remember the details too well, but our started out as a temporary foster care for a year to keep them from getting separated in the system and ended up turning into adoption. They were both still in diapers and are now in highschool.

That's awesome! Glad to hear it's worked out. We're just getting our heads firmly wrapped around the idea and doing a ton of research and we're seeing that becoming foster parents is beneficial to the adoption process.

Thehead and Kimmypie have done adoption as well. US side.

I may send some PM's, though I don't want to intrude.

Y'all with the heart for this are awesome people!

My wife was adopted as an infant and had a good life with her parents. She has gotten to know her birth mom over the last 8 years and has a good relationship with them now also, although, it is a little awkward at times. My parents also served many years as house parents in a christian youth home for kids taken from bad situations.

Those who haven't seen it firsthand cannot comprehend what a blessing it is to some of these kids to have a stable home with good parents. The kids do not always know the blessing at the time either. Good luck with this if you follow thru, there are some bad days mixed in with the good ones.

Thanks for sharing. We've got a million questions right now but your last paragraph is part of the reason we're considering adoption. We're not out trying to save the world, but our hearts ache for those kids without a real family to call them their own. We've run into two situations lately where we had kids spend some time with us that we know didn't have very good home lives and it's pushed the adoption idea to the surface. My wife said she's known since she was a little girl that she would adopt some day, she just didn't quite know why. I've always considered the idea and think it would be awesome to bring a couple of kiddos out of 'the system' into what I consider a great home.

So good to hear - best of luck to you guys, hope it all works out!

Thanks. We've still got a ton to learn and a lot of praying and soul searching to do.

My wife has already found two brothers (online adoption profiles) here in Texas and she's letting herself fall in love with them. I keep warning her not to do that so soon. We shall see...

[Sgt Beavis]

I’m at the doc right now. I’ll weigh in on this when I get back to my office.

But, bottom line, DO IT!

[Juiced4v]

God bless you guys...takes a special couple to do that.

[Sgt Beavis]

Sorry, things got busy today.. So here's our story on this.


Miyako and I decided to adopt in 2009 after going to Mumbai in an attempt to have a child through surrogacy. We used an agency in Atlanta (which isn't in business any longer) with the intent of adopting a child from here in the good ole USA. We seriously looked into international adoption but there are pros and cons there. China used to be a good place to adopt from but the waiting list has gone from months to several years. This is mostly because adoption has become more common within the country, which frankly is great for them.



So that was 2009, it took until 2012 before we finally adopted our son Carpenter. We were there when he was born and he went home with use from the hospital. This was an open adoption where the birth mother chose us and we maintain a relationship with her. We were down in Texas, last month, for a visit.



The only real downside here is that Carpenter is Autistic. We knew that his half brother was on the low end of the ASD scale but Carpenter ended up being much higher. Fortunately he has responded well to therapy. He's fully verbal (I can't get him to shut up) and he's repeatedly shown me he's pretty damn smart. I jokingly call him my favorite PITA.



The adoption process can be the real PITA. We had two people try to scam us. Neither go far because the agency did a good job in training us. We had a third that was the real deal but the birth mom was bi-polar and the grandmother.. well, she was a real piece of work that wanted something under the table. We cut bait on them after a couple months. Before you even get to that point you have to get a home study done to show you can provide a nice home for a kid. Some agencies help you advertise. I even placed ads on Facebook and aimed at the college demographic in Denton.



So there are other things to know. For one, there is a federal tax credit of $14080 you can use to pay for the adoption. Adoption for us cost $22K total. The tax credit took care of about $13K of that. You don't have to complete an adoption to claim the credit. You just have to show you're in the process of doing it. So it's really doable. There are other options that cost less. Fostering to adopt cost you nothing and in many cases the State of Texas gives you some money to help with the kids and they will pay college tuition for those kids.



Some other things to know. If you have a racial preference (ie: you want a white kid) you're going to be waiting a long time. Minority children are out there and frankly they NEED families. When dealing with newborns, you'll see birth parents that drink, smoke, do drugs, etc., etc. Mentally resolve yourself to deal with it. It was fairly easy for me because my Step Grandpa was the main parental force in my life and he was awesome. He showed me that blood means jack squat when it comes to family. I will admit that I did have to get used to the idea of raising an African American child but just watching one of my buddies playing with his kid got me picturing the same thing in my head.



All that mental prep and I ended up with a white kid..haha..


Anyways, if you're ready to be a parent and you're ready to make the sacrifices to become one (not to mention the sacrifices from actually being one) then I think you should start looking at your options and determine which route is best for you.

[TX_92_Notch]

I'll throw more of our bio out there and let you guys call me crazy.

We're a blended family - each of us were married once before. I'll be 42 in a few days and my wife is 37. She brought two daughters into the marriage and I brought a son. We've since had two children together and then I had a vasectomy because we have no intentions of making any more babies.

Our kids are 11F, 9F, 8M, 4F and 2M.

My wife made a post on a FB group dedicated to adopting older children. I just read all of the comments on that page and I'll admit, it spooked me. The vast majority of the people that responded gave the most doom and gloom experiences and said it was single-handedly the hardest thing they've ever done. One said it cost her a marriage. Others talk about countless therapists, for the adoptive kid, their own bio kid(s) and for themselves. Then other people chime in and say it's been the best thing they've ever done. Another said to be wary because that FB page is known to be the place where adoptive parents come to find help with problem kids - that it paints a very negatively skewed image.

The biggest issue for me is, how does this impact my children? Birth order gets disrupted. They've got new competition for mom and dad's time. God forbid the new kid(s) do anything to harm one of my bio children, and so on. But then there's the positive. Another brother or sister (or two) to bond with, be life long friends with. Another chance to see that family is more than just blood (though my kids all understand this with our blended family structure).

We're going to attend an informational type meeting and probably talk to a couple of local agencies or even adoptive parents that have been though or are going through this (a. adopting older children and b. affecting birth order of your current children).

[S_K]

Seriously don't do it. Adoption is a wonderful thing and I wholehearted agree with it. But.... You have five kids and none of them are teenagers yet. You HAVE NO IDEA how much MORE time and energy your kids will take than they currently do. If you had one or two children, I would say go for it, but not five. There is simply not enough of you to go around. Don't screw up the kids you have trying to save another. It is a losing proposition all the way around.

[Ruffdaddy]

Seriously don't do it. Adoption is a wonderful thing and I wholehearted agree with it. But.... You have five kids and none of them are teenagers yet. You HAVE NO IDEA how much MORE time and energy your kids will take than they currently do. If you had one or two children, I would say go for it, but not five. There is simply not enough of you to go around. Don't screw up the kids you have trying to save another. It is a losing proposition all the way around.

This is a great point. You are not only making a sacrifice for yourself..you are making that same sacrifice for your kids without them having an option. This will undoubtedly diminish their quality of life, the extent of which is the debatable part.

How long have you been married, how did your kids handle the merging of families, and do you ever plan to be able.to provide for your kids financially or retire?

It reminds me of a speech in Fargo (someone embed this for me...I dont know how to):

https://youtu.be/PqTXUybYQZU

[BLAKE]

You clearly have a big heart, but five kids under twelve and you want to add two more? That sounds crazy to me. Not to sound too judgmental here, because there's no way I can truly know what's going on in your heads, but it authentically sounds like you're trying to fill some emotional hole with kids. I'm happy to be wrong about that and truly wish you the best.