Adoption

[BradM]

I couldn't imagine having kids these days. I have 1 stepdaughter who put us through hell in her teens and has barely let up as an adult. Good luck brother!

[line-em-up]

If you have 5 kids and are looking to adopt more, you either have a heart as big as Texas or are a glutton for punishment. You have only so much time and money to spread around between your kids. Every new one will spread it that much thinner. good luck.

[Shaggin Wagon]

You clearly have a big heart, but five kids under twelve and you want to add two more? That sounds crazy to me. Not to sound too judgmental here, because there's no way I can truly know what's going on in your heads, but it authentically sounds like you're trying to fill some emotional hole with kids. I'm happy to be wrong about that and truly wish you the best.

Completely agree here, as an outsider looking in, But don't do it.

Sounds like my car collecting sickness, but yours is kids!

[TX_92_Notch]

I won't quote all of you since everyone is saying similar things.

The two main items mentioned since my last post are my biggest concerns. How does it impact my current children, both from their interactions with the new kid(s) and the resulting potential loss of face time with their parents because of the extra parenting time for more kids. Also, how does it impact my marriage if it doesn't go well? I don't want to only look at the negative possibilities, but they obviously must be considered.

We've by no means made a decision and I'm posting here because I knew I'd get real feedback from real people.

[BLAKE]

Well, the fact that you can hear that kind of frank opinion and keep a level head earns you a point in the "maybe not crazy" column, lol.

Good luck, however it shakes out.

[TX_92_Notch]

Well, the fact that you can hear that kind of frank opinion and keep a level head earns you a point in the "maybe not crazy" column, lol.

Good luck, however it shakes out.

I hang out here to watch the crazy, not participate in it.

[mustang_revival]

May want to think about unplugging from Social Media for a bit and focus on bonding with the large family you already have.

You are about to have teenagers and tweens on your hands and the game changes as far as how much time and support they need from you.

Also think about if you and your wife have met all your own respective goals for your own life? Guess what, at some point your going to realize holy shit all I do is take care of kids for the next 18 years , I wish I had time to myself or time to go back to school or get back into a hobby..


Any don't be dicks and make the older kids take care of the younger ones since you guys decided 5 wasn't enough at some point..

[Ruffdaddy]

Do you actually want more kids? Or are you having trouble dealing with the guilt of the other kids being in a bad situation?

[TX_92_Notch]

May want to think about unplugging from Social Media for a bit and focus on bonding with the large family you already have.

You are about to have teenagers and tweens on your hands and the game changes as far as how much time and support they need from you.

Also think about if you and your wife have met all your own respective goals for your own life? Guess what, at some point your going to realize holy shit all I do is take care of kids for the next 18 years , I wish I had time to myself or time to go back to school or get back into a hobby..


Any don't be dicks and make the older kids take care of the younger ones since you guys decided 5 wasn't enough at some point..

I don't do social media, unless you count this forum and one other I check in on. I disabled my FB account around 5 years ago and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I don't think anyone with kids can meet all of their goals in life. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true. Some goals just don't work with kids and we're ok with that. At least not with young kids.

Regarding making the older kids take care of the younger kids, I work from home and my wife is a stay-at-home mom. We don't 'force' anything but you can bet the older kids are asked to keep an eye on the younger two if mom has to take a shit or something. We don't treat them as baby-sitter slaves or anything of that nature. My wife practically raised her younger 4 siblings and didn't want to push that onto our children.

Do you actually want more kids? Or are you having trouble dealing with the guilt of the other kids being in a bad situation?

I had a vasectomy so obviously we don't plan on making any more babies. We've found ourselves in a few situations lately where we've had a child in our care that we knew didn't have a good home life and that is what got us talking about adoption.

We're not looking to save the world by any means. I told my wife that this would only happen once, if it happens at all. I don't plan to take in every kid with a sob story. But I'm not against the idea of trying to give a child (or possible two siblings) a better life than 'the system', so to speak.

Trust me, my mind is running in circles going through all of the what-if's. This is the only place I've posted or discussed the topic, simply because I knew I'd get raw, honest responses from people that don't give a hoot if they offend me with their response.

[TX_92_Notch]

This is a great point. You are not only making a sacrifice for yourself..you are making that same sacrifice for your kids without them having an option. This will undoubtedly diminish their quality of life, the extent of which is the debatable part.

How long have you been married, how did your kids handle the merging of families, and do you ever plan to be able.to provide for your kids financially or retire?

It reminds me of a speech in Fargo (someone embed this for me...I dont know how to):

https://youtu.be/PqTXUybYQZU

I missed this one earlier. All good points that my wife and I have discussed.

Your point about my current children's quality of life is my single largest concern. I know there are no guarantees, but I have to be as close to certain as possible that this has a positive impact on them or I won't do it. Even if we do it and it works out splendidly, there would surely be some tough moments, but who can really say for sure how it would go?

We will celebrate our 5th anniversary on Friday. Our older three children were young when we married and they've adapted very well. My 8YO son used to ask my wife about when he was in her tummy because he doesn't remember life before her and hadn't yet figured out that he was never in her tummy.

I won't say money is not an issue, but it's not an issue to me for this topic. I'm fortunate that we don't struggle with money. I'm no Dr Dave, but I'm not staring down the repo man either.

I've never seen Fargo. That was a good clip.

[Ruffdaddy]

Its not a matter of IF it will reduce your kids quality of life...its a matter of HOW MUCH it will reduce your kids quality of life. You cant expect children to understand why you feel the need to rescue these kids from the system.

If one of the adoptees has any sort of discipline or attitude issues...that's all itll take to make pretty big problems for a family unit.

If you can afford to out 5 to 7 kids through college and still retire while giving them a good life...you're much better off than Dr Dave.

Otherwise its "sorry you cant play baseball...we dont have the money/time/resources to put yall in sports". Just remember it's not only you sacrificing here...you are sacrificing just a little bit more of your kids childhood as well.

[Ruffdaddy]

And to be clear, I think your intentions are meant to be good...but good intentions dont mean anything when they negatively impact people you love.

[TX_92_Notch]

Its not a matter of IF it will reduce your kids quality of life...its a matter of HOW MUCH it will reduce your kids quality of life. You cant expect children to understand why you feel the need to rescue these kids from the system.

If one of the adoptees has any sort of discipline or attitude issues...that's all itll take to make pretty big problems for a family unit.

If you can afford to out 5 to 7 kids through college and still retire while giving them a good life...you're much better off than Dr Dave.

Otherwise its "sorry you cant play baseball...we dont have the money/time/resources to put yall in sports". Just remember it's not only you sacrificing here...you are sacrificing just a little bit more of your kids childhood as well.

Playing devil's advocate: to this end, no one should have more than one child because each child after the first 'reduces the quality of life' for the first born, no?

I don't think any of my older 4 children would give up their 2 YO brother if it meant we could go camping one more time each year or they got another one-on-one parent-child outing each month.

So where do you draw the line on quantity versus quality? What's the metric to measure that?

And to be clear, I think your intentions are meant to be good...but good intentions dont mean anything when they negatively impact people you love.

This is the single source of concern for me. It's hard not to "what if" yourself to death with a decision like this.

[Ruffdaddy]

Giving up a child is not even remotely the same thing as taking in a new child. Like I said I know your intention is to do a good thing, but you are making a decision to force the other kids to sacrifice as well in an effort for you to "do good".

I wish i had an answer for the metrics you're after but I dont have any clue as to your family dynamic or the needs of the kids you want to adopt. I also have no clue the value you place on your kids quality of life and the potential of challenges arising if there are major problems with an adopted set of siblings. And 5 kids is already a lot.

Have you spoken with the kids about it?


Either way I'm curious to see how it all pans out so keep us updated.

And to make it even clearer...it sounds like you DO NOT WANT more kids. You just dont want the guilt either...so at the end of the day, it sounds like you're weighing guilt vs your children's quality of life.

Edit: I'm also thinking of it through a heavy bias of how my child responds as well as seeing the challenges of some family members dealing with disciplinary issues.

[TX_92_Notch]

Giving up a child is not even remotely the same thing as taking in a new child. Like I said I know your intention is to do a good thing, but you are making a decision to force the other kids to sacrifice as well in an effort for you to "do good".

I wish i had an answer for the metrics you're after but I dont have any clue as to your family dynamic or the needs of the kids you want to adopt. I also have no clue the value you place on your kids quality of life and the potential of challenges arising if there are major problems with an adopted set of siblings. And 5 kids is already a lot.

Have you spoken with the kids about it?


Either way I'm curious to see how it all pans out so keep us updated.

And to make it even clearer...it sounds like you DO NOT WANT more kids. You just dont want the guilt either...so at the end of the day, it sounds like you're weighing guilt vs your children's quality of life.

We have not spoken to our children about it. We are still talking hard with each other and there's no need to bring the kids into it if we're not both fully committed.

I know where you're coming from, but I'll say that "guilt" has nothing to do with it. I'm not one for giving handouts. This is about much more than that.

We both (obviously) agreed that we don't want any more biological children. We've lightly discussed adoption throughout our relationship and both said we would be open to the idea if it presented itself. I never thought I would have 5 kids, let alone even consider the idea of adopting another one or two after having 5, but here I am. Life changes you.