Where's your poop knife

[black2002ls]

https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/7p8puq/light_i_was_22_years_old_when_i_learned_that_not/?utm_term=30018416029&utm_medium=comment_embed&utm_source=embed&utm_name=a651f3c8-f9fe-11e7-9d11-0e1ec4a8406a&utm_content=footer

HFS this had me rolling.

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r/confessionLight

[Light] I was 22 years old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife.

u/LearnedButt

[Light] My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

"My what?"

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

"Wtf is a poop knife?"

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]



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[ceyko]

Man, when I was young and in the reserves our CO came out of the latrine and had us gather up for a meeting.

Someone laid a log - it was as round as a mason jar (Probably bigger, but trying not to get carried away). He was livid that someone would leave it there...etc...etc. He sent us lowly E1s-E3s to figure it out. I had not been to basic training yet, no way I was fucking touching it - but I was not going to let my buddy in there alone and hand mash it. So we found some hangar in somebody's locker, and the dude chopped it up every which way - then flushed it down. (He did not do it quietly though)

I can tell you that there may be some truth to the story above based on that experience. A poop knife would have been much better than a hangar - that still may be in use to this day. It was a sturdy metal one that was properly put back where it was found when we were done with it.

[kingjason]

Guy I use to work with was a little constipated one day. Came out and told us about using his pen to poke a hole in the turd so it would come out his ass. We always wanted to put a pen in a glass box, hang it on the stall, and put in case of emergency.

[cyclonescott]

My mother-in-law used to be a nurse and had a similar experience with a patient who left a turd ham in the toilet. She said her and the other nurses had to go in to the restroom with a knife and cut it up to get it to flush.

[Shaggin Wagon]

What a shitty topic.

[one slow 5.0]

When i first started in the pipeline industry down here South Texas we had a guy clog the toilet in one of the Rvs. He busted it up with a potato masher.

[Jewrrick]

What a shitty topic.

yes but the log of comments is gold

[4bangen]

We have a mystery shitter here at work. Dude blows up the upstairs bathroom nearly daily. I mean fucking trashes that thing, putting it out of commission for the rest of the day. Still don't know who it is, but I can only imagine he's living in his own personal hell and surviving that kind of event daily is punishment enough for leaving it there for the rest of us to see.

[cool cat]

Luckily I don't have a need for one at my house on a regular basis.

Several years back a friends girlfriend left one that wouldn't go down. The solution to get it down was to grab a stick from the yard and use it to break it up/push it down. Once it was taken care of the stick was thrown in the yard, and of course the dog retrieved the damn thing.

[Shaggin Wagon]

yes but the log of comments is gold

Im sure this topic will go down the toilet fast though.

[black2002ls]

yes but the log of comments is gold

Have you read through the reddit?

[Jewrrick]

Have you read through the reddit?

Some of it, but not all. I was rolling

[KBScobravert]

Speaking of shitty topics. Who remembers the photos from 2014 of the destroyed bathroom I posted?

[Shaggin Wagon]

Have you read through the reddit?

The eulogy was great, but then I just felt bad for people who don't poop for days/weeks. Sometimes our bodies are very cruel to us.

[black2002ls]

The eulogy was great, but then I just felt bad for people who don't poop for days/weeks. Sometimes our bodies are very cruel to us.

Yeah, I got a chuckle out of that, then it turned into discussion about IBS and either not pooping, or paying homage to the porcelain gods mere moments after each meal.