’Without Any Significant Doubt’ Earth's Sixth Mass Extinction is Here

[Gasser64]

I stopped watching TV and news last fall. It has allowed me to change my outlook... slightly

I hate all news media outlets, so I've never watched them. They couldn't care less whether its a complete lie, or the absolute truth. Its whatever. Long as they have something to put up there, that people will watch.

[lincolnboy]

Its not so bad hearing the N**** word, its the young kids you hear cussing in public.

[davbrucas]

fear is a very effective control mechanism

It has worked for thousands of years on the religious...

[Broncojohnny]

I stopped watching TV and news last fall. It has allowed me to change my outlook... slightly

But how do you watch all that Gunt porn?

[Cooter]

But how do you watch all that Gunt porn?

I just attend REALLY seedy strip clubs

[Rick Modena]

I just attend REALLY seedy strip clubs

Niiice...

[Strychnine]

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history:

450 million years ago: First Extinction: A bunch of dumb fish die
450 million years ago-360 million years ago: Pretty smooth sailing, all things considered
360 million years ago: Second Extinction: Following the eradication of 96 percent of all life, planet’s surviving bacteria really living it up
250 million years ago: Third Extinction: Despite dire warnings of many within the scientific community, increasingly alarming assertions that another mass extinction could be imminent are largely ignored by dinosaur community
205 million years ago: Fourth Extinction: End of winged crocodile species that would have blown your fucking mind
65 million years ago: Fifth Extinction: Last living dinosaur on earth walks around confusedly for a few days before falling into a ravine
20 million years ago: God dies
1500 BCE: First inkling human beings might be plowing through every single species in path
1992 CE: Kyoto Protocol tossed into path of oncoming extinction
2010 CE: British Petroleum announces yearly earnings of $29.5 billion
2015 CE: Town of Stonington, CT holds little recycling drive
2200 CE: Sixth Extinction: Centuries of unchecked human activity wipe out 99.9 percent of all remaining species on earth; flora and fauna who are free from sin ascend to heaven
2200 CE-800 million CE: Horseshoe crab racked with survivor’s guilt

World’s Frogs Unveil 5-Million-Year Plan To Move Up Food Chain





EARTH—Declaring that they had occupied a low-level rung in the global ecosystem for far too long, the world’s frogs revealed Thursday an ambitious 5-million-year plan to move up the food chain.

According to frogs, the long-term, multipronged strategy will include a series of dietary, cognitive, behavioral, and morphological adaptations designed to help them as they evolve to inhabit a higher place in the biosphere’s order of predation. Provided they adhere to the developmental benchmarks they set out and run into few obstacles, frogs said they ultimately envision themselves at a tier of the food chain on par with hawks and ocelots.

“We recognize that this is a major undertaking for our kind, but we believe we frogs are more than up to the challenge, and 5 million years from now, we are extremely confident that snakes will no longer be eating us—we’ll be eating them,” said a red-eyed tree frog, who spoke on behalf of all 4,800 unique species belonging to the taxonomic order Anura, explaining that their first course of action would be to double in size. “Right now, we prey on flies, moths, crickets, and maybe a worm here or there, but mostly just assorted bugs. We no longer consider this acceptable. Under our new plan, we see ourselves regularly consuming rodents, lizards, rabbits, and, if everything goes as anticipated, bats.”

“We recognize that such a diet will require pointed teeth as well as powerful jaws, and it is our intention to evolve these attributes on the fixed schedule we’ve laid out,” the frog continued. “As you can see on our timetable, we’ll start in on growing incisors in the near future.”

Noting that they’re “already pretty good at lunging,” frogs explained that the first phase of their plan, expected to take place over a 600,000-year period, will include a 400 percent increase in muscle mass, allowing them to leap high enough to take out small, low-flying songbirds and, eventually, ducks.

In addition, frogs have indicated that by the 2-million-year mark, they will make use of selective breeding to lengthen their rudimentary teeth into long, cobra-like fangs. This, along with the introduction of claws in their forelegs, will give them the opportunity to reverse the longstanding predator-prey relationships they’re currently engaged in with animals such as bass, shrews, otters, and turtles. The frogs’ timetable also includes an assessment of the claws after 2.6 million years to determine whether they should be made retractable.

While frogs confirmed their intention to continue capturing prey by shooting out their tongues, they expressed their desire to add some sharp barbs or a forked appearance to the appendage to give them the menacing appearance of “a true predator.”

“We haven’t decided whether we’re going to hunt in packs yet, but it’s certainly something we’re considering,” said a North American wood frog, describing how in the future, teams of frogs might stalk hoofed mammals through a forest, flush them out of their hiding places, and then pounce upon them all at once. “We saw wolves doing this kind of thing and thought, ‘Why not us?’ It’s ambitious, but we like our chances of pulling it off.”

“It goes without saying that we’ll first need to develop the capacity to rotate our heads from left to right, though,” it added.

The tailless, moist-bodied amphibian went on to confirm reports that any hunting initiatives conducted against much larger faunae would be led by members of the poison dart frog community.

Several frogs told reporters they were first inspired to rise up the ranks of the food chain by the shark, which they described as “the ultimate hunter-killer,” saying they eventually hope to establish a longer-term plan that would allow them to one day match the aquatic predator’s impressive speed of up to 30 miles per hour and its bite force of several hundred pounds per square inch.

While frogs stressed they currently harbor no intention of becoming apex predators, they pointed to one evolutionary advantage they believe could allow them to rise dramatically in nature’s pecking order.

“Being amphibious means we can go after prey on both land and water, and we really think that’s a trait we can leverage,” a Malayan horned frog said. “If a land mammal tries to escape from us into a river or pond, well, guess who has the upper hand in aquatic environments? Similarly, if a bunch of sea lions are sunning themselves on land, clambering around on their flippers, we can sneak up under cover of water, hop ashore, and rip them to pieces.”

“Frankly,” the frog continued, “we’ll be the perfect killing machines.”

At press time, billions of frogs around the world were reportedly sitting on lily pads and trying their hardest to grow razor-sharp talons.

yes, these are from the onion

[cobrajet69]

LMAO


David