Anyone dealing with an aging relative?

[SSMAN]

Fuck a bunch of that shit!

[Big A]

After the AR story, I don't see that you have much room to complain about anything dude, you shouldn't be anywhere near that woman. Of sound mind she outright said that a little cash was more valuable than your life, all you are to here is a bank/caregiver. Fuck that.

[Sean88gt]

You sound like a solid guy, so I'm going to give you some solid advice, cut the fucking charity. She sounds like an entitled, evil, old broad. Let her have her come-uppance. Get your name clear of everything you can, and handle everything that you can't walk away from.

Don't buy into the "blood is thicker than water" nonsense, because it is false. The only time family has been there for me was to kick me in the teeth.

[Chili]

My maternal grandmother suffered from Alzheimers the last 10 years or so of her life, and it was rough. Fortunately, she was not very physically able (after a mild stroke and hip replacement in the 1980's), so getting lost / driving / fighting was never an issue. Also fortunately, I have an aunt that is an absolute saint, and took her in after my grandfather passed, and provided a full time caregiver and kept her there until she passed a couple years ago. That same aunt, during that same period, lost her husband to brain cancer. To this day I don't know how she did it all, and still held on to a job paying well into the 6 figures. Very tough woman.

[Rick Modena]

You don't want APS knocking on your door. Do everything by the letter of the law, I would listen to Bronco Johnny or Black50 in this thread. The less you do the better you will be...

[mustang_revival]

yup, povolt yourself out the negative sich. You have to think about your own mental health and goals.

[95DRGT]

I've been living with this nightmare for the past 18 months with my Dad whom is only 77 and has Alzheimer's. His wife (my stepmother) convinced him to do a reverse mortgage in Feb 2014 and they took at a lump sum of 132k. She quickly funded some Nigerian scammers and once I got involved and was able to secure POA that money and all bank accounts, IRA's where gone.

I moved her out on her ass, started divorce proceedings, cleaned out my Dad's house, had an estate sale all in the same month (May 2014). With what little money I had along with a loan from Elderlife I put my dad in private pay memory care for the tune of $4300 monthly.

This March we ran out of money and could not afford the private care facility. We found a place that was more like a group home and would take on his care for his SS alone. That lasted a month before he developed a bad UTI due to suspect care and screwed up his chemical imbalance. This along with potential over medicating issue caused him to go crazy hitting a caregiver and kicking a resident. PD was called (I was out of town at the time) cause the 'home' could not get him in check. EMT's took him to JPS where he has been since 5/6/15. When I got to JPS he was unable to open his eyes for days and was off his baseline which I suspect was the result of being over medicated.

He has had to be restrained until we could get his health and meds back in check and now working with social workers at JPS to place him in a home. There are so many nuances to this as his Medicare was a 'managed plan' (HMO) so when trying to place him Humana (medicare provider) denies the placement on basis of 'rehab' because they think they are throwing their money away for rehab that he can't remember. I need the placement in order to get him in so I can then attempt to apply for Medicaid.
Today I have requested to dis-enroll him in the managed plan which he will then be automatically put on to 'original' medicare, which get this, homes will accept him as 'medicaid pending'

The Medicaid app will be difficult because they go back 5 years for all checking & savings accounts and will see large sums of cash wired across the US in the Nigerian scam deal my stepmonster was involved with. That will be difficult to prove he or she was not hoarding cash. That would could be a red flag and a reason for denial. We will see.

Medicaid can come after any assets but that is only after he has passed as a reimbursement for care. At that point the house will either be sold or left to go back to the bank as this is only remaining asset.

If he does get placed they take him for his SS minus $65 he keeps monthly and Medicaid kicks in the difference of what ever the facility charges.

If he gets placed and then we are denied the Medicaid app I'm not sure what I can do at this point. I'm tapped out financially.


The house is still for sale and I hoping it will move soon in order to pay off the reverse mortgage, my Elderlife note and allow me to bank some money for all my time in effort fixing up the house to get it ready for sale.

I can't tell you what a cluster fuck this has been at every turn. It has taken its toll on my finances,health, and marriage at times. Thank god I have a great and supportive wife that has helped me along the way as family and siblings have been of no help.

I strongly suggest any of you that will be facing this in the next 10 to 15 years is get a plan together and have some serious conversations with loved ones before its too late. If I Would have had the POA in place and monitoring bank accounts a few months earlier I could have avoided so much pain and misery.

OP- if you want to talk PM me

[95DRGT]

And back to the OP's question- we considered in house care but found it was almost as expensive as a managed care facility. Plus I did not want some stranger in my house and knowing my business let alone the stress of dealing with someone with Alzheimer's daily and hourly- its fucking exhausting on the redirects all the time.

[stangin4lyfe]

I have asked myself which is worse... losing it physically or mentally?

My grandmother was very independent and is now disabled and can no longer walk and I take care of her on a daily basis but I am very thankful she still has her mind.
I could not imagine her losing her mind so I am very thankful for that.
We have taken steps years ago to alleviate the stress load but it builds up at times as she sometimes forgets that I have a job(and it isn't taking care of her lol).
I hope all goes well for the OP.

[95DRGT]

I would say mentally based upon what I have witnessed and dealt with personally.

[bcoop]

I would say mentally based upon what I have witnessed and dealt with personally.

I agree. What really happens is they revert to adult sized toddlers with the worst case of terrible twos you've ever seen. It comes in phases though And progressively gets worse. Starts with forgetfulness, then you reach the all smiles phase kind of early on, at least in my experience. Where they just sit there and smile because they really have no idea what's going on. They're frightened and clueless, but smile anyways. That lasts a while and then comes the anger and combatitiveness, which overlaps with the refusal to eat. Once they stop eating, it's pretty much over.

[prostock1]

This is a bit of a rant so most wont read all of this. .

I'm in the same boat as most of you.

Mom is 78, for the most part she's able to take care of her basic daily needs. She takes about 10 different pills everyday, some are serious narcotics.

Anyway, her SS covers her monthly bills, which is food, and utilities. I own the house she lives in, and she's been getting home health care.


I don't want my kids to have to go through this with my wife or I, so we've really stepped up our retirement planning.

What America is dealing with when it comes to the elderly being broke, is a result of the last 50 years of people leaving on way too much credit.

[95DRGT]

I agree. What really happens is they revert to adult sized toddlers with the worst case of terrible twos you've ever seen. It comes in phases though And progressively gets worse. Starts with forgetfulness, then you reach the all smiles phase kind of early on, at least in my experience. Where they just sit there and smile because they really have no idea what's going on. They're frightened and clueless, but smile anyways. That lasts a while and then comes the anger and combatitiveness, which overlaps with the refusal to eat. Once they stop eating, it's pretty much over.

Exactly. I've done a ton of reading on dementia/Alzheimer's and some say there are 5 stages and other 7. Either way my dad is close to stage 7 where the he just babbles and makes no sense, having a hard time forming a smile anymore, incontinence has kicked in, and now having trouble feeding himself and chewing.

There are times when he must know what is going on and it scary as it is disturbing. I was helping him eat the other morning in the hospital and asked if he wanted anything else, he turned to me looked me right in the eye and said 'cyanide'. He was dead serious and I believe fully aware of what he said and meant.

This process just sucks and I wish we had laws that would allow for assisted suicide in these situations. It makes no sense for his dignity and the financial implications for loved ones to keep this going. I love my 'pops' dearly but it is gut wrenching to see him have to go through this shit.

[Broncojohnny]

my grandmother is getting into the stage where she doesn't eat.

I decided long ago that if this happens to me I will kill myself during one of the fleeting moments of clarity. The biggest reason will sound materialistic, I have spent years building up a financial advantage for my wife and kids, i won't watch them waste it on me.

[line-em-up]

After seeing my Father-in-law going through it, I have had thoughts of stashing a cyanide pill away in something so that I could get access to it if needed.