Well Im at a pretty low point in life right now. My struggle with Pure O OCD

[Cooter]

That might be how you've been trained to think.

I know shutting off the TV and MSM radio has certainly reduced my intake of graphic images

[YALE]

these thoughts are why i dont own a gun. I am way too emotional, and at times irrational to own such a tool.

Buy all you want. I'll be glad to hold them for you. I even have a list of pretty swanky shit picked out I can help you with.

[Sean88gt]

That might be how you've been trained to think.

I know shutting off the TV and MSM radio has certainly reduced my intake of graphic images

I largely quit listening to political talk radio, watching news, etc., and read certain articles that I feel pertain to me. Sure has helped to de-stress in what is likely the most stressful time of my life. The only bad thing is that it makes me want to check out completely (if that's a bad thing). Head to parts unknown and figure shit out.

[Cooter]

That's where I'm headed this summer. Spring cleaning is in full effect. I'm just getting my house in order and focusing on getting healthy.

This summer I'm going on walkabout and see what lay around the bend :cool:

[stephen4785]

just to illustrate to those who have no idea what exactly he's talking about...

this isn't about punching the old bitch in the checkout line who's taking an eternity to write a check for a quart of half and half... I'm pretty sure she could stand a slap in the fucking mouth, but I won't be the one to deliver it today...

no, this is about...

yesterday... REALLY stressful day, but I made positive steps to reduce stress and fire a customer who doesn't realize they cause me stress and would do everything in their power to eliminate it, but I realized that at the end of the day, nothing would eliminate it but to eliminate it. SO, I just told him that I have moved on to another venture and that I wished him all the best.

well, then I was stressed out because I'd just turned down money from a long time, good customer that I really cared about... but that's what prevented me from cutting ties previously.

Anyhow, I'm still all stressed out and haven't quite worked through this whole thing in my mind, and I'm unpacking and my beloved dog is laying on the bed.

ANYBODY who knows me knows how much I love this fucking dog. He's my unlicensed therapy dog. He's my buddy. He's with me constantly, but I didn't take him with me to go deliver the news. I don't like having him with me in the truck when I'm stressed because he can read it and it stresses him out.

ANYHOW, I get home, I'm unpacking, he's lying on the bed, and I have a momentary flash of blowing his head off.

This kind of stuff used to REALLY eat at me. It happens so quick, it's literally a flash of a thought that doesn't even cause me to pause what I'm doing in any way.

It's a horrible image and thought, but I've come to realize that it's stress manifesting itself.

It was an unpleasant thought, but instead of obsessing on it and obsessing on why on earth would I even have such a thought, I just kept working on stuff that I needed to do and completely forgot about it until you posted this thread this morning.

It's gotten to the point where I barely think about it, and I want to thank you for posting about it because:

I never realized this was an actual thing that other people suffered from and that I'm not the only one.

It makes me realize that I'm actually making progress in my life. It's hard to see progress over the course of a year, two, three, ten years, etc. when you're just kinda dealing with the moment. But I've been dealing with these moments for a long time, and I'm just now realizing that they have FAR FAR FAR less power over me than they once did.

And all of this makes me realize that they're going to have even less power now.

And I hope this may shine some light on you and your situation. It can get way better, and I pretty much lucked into getting better... Though it sounds like you've lucked into it as well with a loving, supportive wife!!

This describes it pretty well. Im not worried about getting angry at the guy in traffic. I know thats a normal thought for most people. What I obsess over is when I have no reason for the thought to pop up. The exact same scenario you mentioned with your dog is what happens with me.
Imagine that you're walking down the road and see some one riding a bike. Then if someone else snuck up behind you and stuck a picture or video in your face of that cyclist for a split second. It interrupts the thought I was having about how hot that chick was with some screwed up scenario. The fact that it pops up in my head is what I stress out about.
When I read up on Pure O OCD I had some relief. At least I know that it's common enough that there are ways to treat it. The counselor that diagnosed me with it told me to handle it like this-"Lets say the scenario in my head is of me stabbing that cyclist. I should study the details about that image. What are we wearing, what does the knife look like, etc... Then change my shirt into an inflatable t shirts that looks ridiculous. Replay that scenario and imagine that Im wearing that shirt. Now change my shoes to clown shoes and replay the same image. Change the knife into a large gummy worm and replay the whole thing. Change her image into a dancing monkey". Pretty soon Im thinking of something ridiculous and Im ok with it. This is what Im supposed to do but like I said, it's only been a week. Any time there's stress involved I cant alter the scenario in my head. I know that I just need to try my best and hopefully I will eventually be able to alter ever scenario.
My largest issue with all of this is that Im ok altering these images of strangers or people I dont know that well. What I really stress out about is that I get these same type of images that involve my wife and my kids. Most everyone (including myself) gets sick any time something happens to kids and we hear about it on the news. We think things like "how on earth could anyone even think of that". Therein lies my problem. It's nothing I cant work through though. I realize that it's just going to take time and counselling.

[krazy kris]

Maybe you need to relieve some stress fishing is a damn cure all for almost every mental illness. Just clear your mind and just throw a few beers back and try to catch some turtle dicks. Hit me up and we will go. Hope you get to feeling better bud.

[white trash wagon]

That might be how you've been trained to think.

I know shutting off the TV and MSM radio has certainly reduced my intake of graphic images

This, I only watch TV that teaches me something - History channel, food network, etc. and only listen to music on the radio. Feeds my mind and calm's my spirit.

Political talk radio will make anyone an angry person, itching for trouble. Scanning MSN once or twice a day keeps me abreast of any important news.

Scott

[Gasser64]

Dude I get the same thoughts everyday. I think a lot of people do. But we don't act on it. Kinda like looking at a teenage girl. It's OK to fantasy but as long as you keep it to yourself and don't act on those thoughts. You're good.

Same here. All kinds of evil shit flies though my head, seemingly at random. Even with me as the one perpetrating it. But that's not who I am, and if I witnessed it, I'd put a stop to it. And I feel bad for people in real life, that suffer those types of things. But I have been diagnosed by an A.D.D specialist to actually have add, and I've got all the awful symptoms to go with it. This is closely related to OCD, its also a brain dysfunction.

[BMCSean]

What about schizophrenia?

[Captain Crawfish]

I'm ocd a lil bit. On a important bilt I have to count to 8 before I accept its tightened enough. Sometimes I have to drive back by the house to make sure the garage is shut. My sister is clean ocd she will wash her hands till they are red. When I was young my mom would make me sit on towels and shit and my feet couldn't touch the carpet. I think the best way to stop it is to not allow yourself to check or excessive clean stuff. It's a fear thing and fear is a temporary thing. Back when I hauled fuel my first 3 months I was scared shitlless. Eventually it went away and I pretended like it was beer. Don't allow your brain to mess with you and you will do fine. Sometimes I'd like to rid world of some of these bullshitters but I know the consequences. As long as you don't act you'll be alright. A drunk driver almost hit me fri on way to oklahoma. It's hard not to think about getting rid of a pos like that

[Captain Crawfish]

What about schizophrenia?

been there done that with a family member. Didn't turn out well. If you suspect this definitely be careful with it

[cobrajet69]

Good luck Stephen, really is a big step bring this to "light" in this way. Kudos and best of luck to you man.

And FWIW, I've met you a couple of times and thought to myself that you were a pretty stand-up guy.

Still think that today and your struggles won't change that one bit. Nor will it affect any future endeavors/meetings with you.

Take care my friend!


David

[stephen4785]

This is a letter I wrote my wife yesterday.

I love my wife. I love my kids. If they're is anything in my power that I can do to make them happy, safe, and healthy I would. My kids and my wife are the only thing in the world that can make me laugh and smile no matter how Im feeling. They are the rock I built my heart on. But the stone house I built is only paper machete. I can only see there brightness through the raging storm at sea like an obstinate captain refusing to come ashore. He only stays at sea because his demons forcast that his misty distant future is only going to hurt them worse. My battle rages every day with uncertanty. The uncertanty that maybe they would be better off away from me. I want to do the things that a good father and husband should. I want to play with my sons. Pick them up and teach them about the world. I want to hold my wife as if it will be the last time I ever hold her again. I want her to understand how beautifull she is to me. Get her to understand how great she truely is. How staring into her eyes is the most comforting place Iv ever been. But Im tortured. Im torted by the day that I make her feel anything less than a princess. The days I dont talk to her. The days when I dont help her when all she needs is for me to hold her and hug her. The days when I demand she serve me because I selfishly think that I deserve it. That she owes me. I lash out at her to punish her. I dont call her names, yell at her, or beat her but I make sure to hurt her. Like a child who breaks the toy so no one will play with it. I break her her to make sure she doesnt get to play. I then justify it because she did _____(fill in the blank). When I realize that Iv hurt her so bad I feel like a failure. Iv knocked her down from a princess to a jester. I battle this in my head and I feel sick. This makes me hurt and in turn I lash out again. In the midst of all of this I have horrific flashes about her in my head. The type of flashes that would make the writters of the show Dexter cringe. These flashes only last for a second. Why did I get this flash? WHere did it come from? Am I really this demented? How in the world can I think these vial things? If anyone were to ever harm her in a physical or mental way I would beat them into the icu and it would'nt bother me at all. So if I could do that to someone else what am I supposed to do to myself? I beat myself mentaly because I deserve it. I teach my self a lesson. The only problem is that even after Iv emotionally beat myself up I still do the same things. I still have the same violent flashes. The same sexually deviant flashes about her and the cycle goes on and on. Do I think she deserves what I do in these flashes? I know in my heart that she doesnt. I know in my soul that she doesnt. But the demon on my shoulder continually tortures me anyway. Like a spirital war waiting for my castle walls to fall.
This is what I suiffer every day. Every time I forget to help her, everythime I make her upset, every flash in my head. Im not really mad that shes mad at me. Im mad becasue I failed at not keeping her happy. Keeping her feeling loved. If she feels anything less then a princess its my failure.
These violent flashes Iv had have been with me for years. But the more time goes on and on the more I worry about harming her. Harming my sons. I want so desperatly to keep them happy that I constantly wonder if they would be happier without me around. If Im not around them every day I cant hurt them every day. Everything in my being is to protect them. Even if that means protecting them from me. But my angel and demon have the same war every day. Every hour. Should I be that sea captain that can only see them over every wave? Protected from them by a raging ocean. Or should I battle my demons next to them so I can battle their's?

[Cooter]

Stephen?

You are on your way, brother... You keep writing... You keep telling the universe your pain and asking for a way out.

But also, tell the universe what you WILL DO... write it down.

You can write down your pain and your troubles, and you can close up that little notebook and put it in a drawer and just love your family... and if something pops up while you're with them? TELL THEM

"daddy's having a little trouble at the moment... but I don't want to stop the good time, so you guys hang out here and keep the love warm for me. I need to go write something down so that I can put it away"

That will help you immensely, my brother.

But really. After you've written for a while and worked through some stuff, you can just start writing down the POSITIVE things that you will do in life, and before you realize it, everything you've written will have come true if they were meant to be!

more on that later

Please be adamant with your doctors and wife that you do not wish to be on medication for the rest of your life, and ask them to work with you so that you can reach a place where you're able to control the flashes without medication.

And Stephen? since the day I had that "flash" about my dog? I haven't had a single one. I have a funny feeling that I may never have one again

And I know in my heart that you will get to that point too. Just focus on your family. They will help carry you.

My dad told me about 5/6/7yrs ago... "I finally figured it out, son... it's all about family... that's what it's all about..."

Since that time, he has done nothing but help the friends and family in his life. It took him about 60yrs to figure that out.

Well, it only took me 38! So we're cookin' with gas now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jimbo]

I dislike psychological descriptions that seem to perfectly illustrate my own behaviors, but thank you for posting that.
Keep working towards beating the difficulty it brings, sending good vibes your way.