Well Im at a pretty low point in life right now. My struggle with Pure O OCD

[stephen4785]

Where to begin?
This last week Iv figured out/been diagnosed that I have a condition called Primarily Obsessional OCD otherwise known as "Pure O OCD". In layman's terms that means I have random thoughts that pop in my head about scenarios that have to do with horrific violence, sex, and others. Heres a better explanation http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primarily_Obsessional_OCD .

Primarily obsessional OCD has been called "one of the most distressing and challenging forms of OCD."[3] People with this form of OCD have "distressing and unwanted thoughts pop into [their] head frequently", and the thoughts "typically center on a fear that you may do something totally uncharacteristic of yourself, something ...potentially fatal...to yourself or others."[4] The thoughts "quite likely, are of an aggressive or sexual nature."

Everyone is probably familiar with symptoms of OCD that they see on tv or may know someone with it. Instead of having physical compulsions like excessive cleaning I dont have any physical symptoms. Instead I randomly get violent thoughts or deviant sexual thoughts and then try to figure out why I thought that. As an example, sometimes when I drive down the road I suddenly see myself shooting the person in the car next to me. I'll try to research things online or more often just figure out what led to this thought. The problem is that the only logical explanation is that Im a complete psycho and Im the same as the serial killers on tv. I tell myself the only difference is that I havent acted on it yet. I realize that I shouldnt think like this but I constantly think that this is really the only logical explanation. Iv been told and Iv read that these images are actually 180 degrees from how the person is. But to me thats like telling a hot chick that shes not fat. She's going to think she is any way. I constantly tell myself that "Im a pscyho" and that I should live by myself away from everyone in order to protect everyone. Even though Iv never even came close to fulfilling any of these images I dwell on it thinking that it's just a matter of time before I snap and it all comes true. Now, my psychologists assures me that there are tons of people out there with this same issue and that I'm simply not physically capable of performing anything that pops in my head. I was diagnosed with this a week ago so I imagine it's going to be a long time before I actually believe him or anyone else.
This has affected my life in various ways over the years. I change from job to job frequently, I get extremely stoic and reserved, I dont go out in large crowds, and it has caused a huge riff in my marriage. Because Iv waited until Im 32 and married for 10 years before I told anyone or sought help it's cost me a lot. My wife and I have issues just like everyone else but every time we get into a disagreement I start to get anxious and my OCD spikes. At the very beginning of our argument Ill end up having some horrific thought and I cant continue the disagreement. So I clam up and get silent. I can rarely bring it back up. I tell my wife and others that I have a bad temper and I have to remove myself from the situation in order to not snap and start a fist fight. The real reason is that Im afraid Ill snap and the image in my head will become a reality and when the images in your head would freak out the writers on Dexter that's a massive problem. These images will flash into my head in a split second. I dont fantasize about it and as soon as they pop up I try to get rid of it and start to analyze myself. The problem Im battling with right now is that Im worried over the safety of my family. What happens if i snap? I have a mental image of the news report playing in my head. It's gotten so bad that Im thinking of divorcing my wife as a safety precaution. I know from what Iv read and been told that I shouldnt worry about harming anyone but what would you do? If you're walking down the street with your family would you walk them down the dark spooky alley to save some time or would you walk them down the brightly lit street because you know it'll be safer?
Iv always thought that as soon as anyone figured out what was going on in my head they would have me admitted to a hospital or locked up. That and if any of my friends and family figured it out they would be appalled and leave me. So iv chosen to remain silent about it until now. I finally admitted this to my wife. Luckily she researched it online and called some therapists to find out what the condition is called. She showed me the wiki page and my issues fit every symptom to a T. Had she not cared I would still be battling with it alone and probably would my entire life.
Iv thought about posting this on here several times but haven't. Iv even written several threads and deleted them without hitting submit. My fear is that Ill be ostracized or made fun of to the point of having to not ever get on this board again. I do a lot of business on here and I think once people know how I really am they wont ever deal with me again. I mean who would you rather take your vehicle to or rent equipment from? The guy who is apparently psychotic or the company down the road? I also think that anyone I meet that knows this will constantly worry what Im thinking of or if Im about to snap. Iv thought about this constantly and come to the conclusion that if my story can help anyone on here then it's worth it. Maybe it will cost me friends and business. As part of my therapy I have to accept the worst case scenario. If my personal loss can help someone else be a personal gain then it's worth it. If you have this same issue please seek a psychologist that specializes with OCD and get help.

[GE]

You've been here long enough to know we're one big dysfunctional family. Aside from just a few people that have tried to reach out, only to prove that they're in fact a doucher, this can be a pretty good support network.

[R1psycho]

Wait a minute. There is something wrong with random thoughts of violence against people for no reason? Damn, now I'm going to think I have an issue as well.....lol. You've always been cool with me Stephen. I don't think any less of you. Pretty brave to admit something like this. You know how to get in touch to shoot the shit anytime.

[soap]

Dude I get the same thoughts everyday. I think a lot of people do. But we don't act on it. Kinda like looking at a teenage girl. It's OK to fantasy but as long as you keep it to yourself and don't act on those thoughts. You're good.

[Roscoe]

I'm glad to see that you've finally "come out" - now you can begin the process of learning how to deal with it with help from others.

Can't say I don't have some of the same thoughts from time to time, but sounds like you're on a completely different level. Use your wife as a support system. You need her more than pushing her away. You can get through it - or at least learn to deal with and manage it.

Like it was said earlier, we take care of each other, so if you need anything, I'm happy to help.

[svauto-erotic855]

I thought that way of thinking was normal until you mentioned that it is a disorder. There are venues that will allow you to live out those thoughts in a controlled environment without causing harm to yourself or others. Trying that may help prevent you from dwelling on it non-stop.

[Forever_frost]

Where to begin?
This last week Iv figured out/been diagnosed that I have a condition called Primarily Obsessional OCD otherwise known as "Pure O OCD". In layman's terms that means I have random thoughts that pop in my head about scenarios that have to do with horrific violence, sex, and others. Heres a better explanation http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primarily_Obsessional_OCD .

New issue I didn't know I had. I thought everyone wargamed violence all of the time. Neat. I'll add this to my list.

[46Tbird]

Your wife did you a huge favor by helping you diagnose the issue. Don't divorce her for her own safety. She loves you and wants to make things better for the whole family, just like you do.

Taking the time to write this up for your DFWM family was a huge first step in getting it under control. In all seriousness, I hope you follow through with a therapist and possibly find an outlet for your stress, or even just a medication that will help you deal with it.

[ELVIS]

that some scary stuff man. i hope you find a handle for it.

god bless.

[yellowstang]

Well, I have no useful advice.

Maybe you can start washing your hands frequently, and replace one OCD with another?

[YALE]

Dude, it's admirable that you can talk about it. We bust on each other pretty hard in here, but it's not that serious. I'm glad you spoke up about your problem. If there's anything I can do, say the word.

[BLAKE]

Dang man, I've never heard of such a thing. As others have said, it's a great first step to put it out to our little corner of the world. It's got to feel better to get this off your chest. You owe your wife the best hug you've ever given her, so go do that and keep trying to top it every day. That's some baseline therapy that helps both of you.

[BP]

It's a good thing you are seeking help but if you haven't already I'd strongly suggest seeing a physician to talk about what's going on. You need to rule out any medical problems before dealing with a psychologist. High blood pressure, stress and anxiety can turn into more serious problems if left untreated.

[blownaltered]

Where to begin?
This last week Iv figured out/been diagnosed that I have a condition called Primarily Obsessional OCD otherwise known as "Pure O OCD". In layman's terms that means I have random thoughts that pop in my head about scenarios that have to do with horrific violence, sex, and others. Heres a better explanation http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primarily_Obsessional_OCD .

Everyone is probably familiar with symptoms of OCD that they see on tv or may know someone with it. Instead of having physical compulsions like excessive cleaning I dont have any physical symptoms. Instead I randomly get violent thoughts or deviant sexual thoughts and then try to figure out why I thought that. As an example, sometimes when I drive down the road I suddenly see myself shooting the person in the car next to me. I'll try to research things online or more often just figure out what led to this thought. The problem is that the only logical explanation is that Im a complete psycho and Im the same as the serial killers on tv. I tell myself the only difference is that I havent acted on it yet. I realize that I shouldnt think like this but I constantly think that this is really the only logical explanation. Iv been told and Iv read that these images are actually 180 degrees from how the person is. But to me thats like telling a hot chick that shes not fat. She's going to think she is any way. I constantly tell myself that "Im a pscyho" and that I should live by myself away from everyone in order to protect everyone. Even though Iv never even came close to fulfilling any of these images I dwell on it thinking that it's just a matter of time before I snap and it all comes true. Now, my psychologists assures me that there are tons of people out there with this same issue and that I'm simply not physically capable of performing anything that pops in my head. I was diagnosed with this a week ago so I imagine it's going to be a long time before I actually believe him or anyone else.
This has affected my life in various ways over the years. I change from job to job frequently, I get extremely stoic and reserved, I dont go out in large crowds, and it has caused a huge riff in my marriage. Because Iv waited until Im 32 and married for 10 years before I told anyone or sought help it's cost me a lot. My wife and I have issues just like everyone else but every time we get into a disagreement I start to get anxious and my OCD spikes. At the very beginning of our argument Ill end up having some horrific thought and I cant continue the disagreement. So I clam up and get silent. I can rarely bring it back up. I tell my wife and others that I have a bad temper and I have to remove myself from the situation in order to not snap and start a fist fight. The real reason is that Im afraid Ill snap and the image in my head will become a reality and when the images in your head would freak out the writers on Dexter that's a massive problem. These images will flash into my head in a split second. I dont fantasize about it and as soon as they pop up I try to get rid of it and start to analyze myself. The problem Im battling with right now is that Im worried over the safety of my family. What happens if i snap? I have a mental image of the news report playing in my head. It's gotten so bad that Im thinking of divorcing my wife as a safety precaution. I know from what Iv read and been told that I shouldnt worry about harming anyone but what would you do? If you're walking down the street with your family would you walk them down the dark spooky alley to save some time or would you walk them down the brightly lit street because you know it'll be safer?
Iv always thought that as soon as anyone figured out what was going on in my head they would have me admitted to a hospital or locked up. That and if any of my friends and family figured it out they would be appalled and leave me. So iv chosen to remain silent about it until now. I finally admitted this to my wife. Luckily she researched it online and called some therapists to find out what the condition is called. She showed me the wiki page and my issues fit every symptom to a T. Had she not cared I would still be battling with it alone and probably would my entire life.
Iv thought about posting this on here several times but haven't. Iv even written several threads and deleted them without hitting submit. My fear is that Ill be ostracized or made fun of to the point of having to not ever get on this board again. I do a lot of business on here and I think once people know how I really am they wont ever deal with me again. I mean who would you rather take your vehicle to or rent equipment from? The guy who is apparently psychotic or the company down the road? I also think that anyone I meet that knows this will constantly worry what Im thinking of or if Im about to snap. Iv thought about this constantly and come to the conclusion that if my story can help anyone on here then it's worth it. Maybe it will cost me friends and business. As part of my therapy I have to accept the worst case scenario. If my personal loss can help someone else be a personal gain then it's worth it. If you have this same issue please seek a psychologist that specializes with OCD and get help.

I have to say this write up seems very familiar to me. I stand in a store buying my kid a baseball bat and I get tense standing in line because I am fantasizing about smashing the stranger in front of me for no damn reason. I have learned how to control some of these thoughts but I have stuff pop in my head that really disgusts me. Sorry your going through this but it does help to know I'm not the only one that has thoughts like this. When I get depressed it's even worse, I quit carrying my chl because I was having thoughts that scared me so much I put the gun in the safe and haven't touched it in over 6 months. More of thoughts about harming myself than others but the thoughts were so strong it scared the shit out me, so I put it away. Stay strong man, things will get better.

[Cooter]

I have the same exact shit. To a fucking T...

I also have regular old OCD, ADHD, and a slew of other good stuff. No germ phobias yet though!

I've been living with the impulse flashes for a long time. They trouble me sometimes, but my ADHD ensures that I'll be fretting over a different subject soon enough. I've grown to just see it as a knee-jerk reactionary impulse to stress/depression/etc. Like survival instinct kicking in to suggest a possible course of action that will completely stop the stress. Our intelligent mind intervenes, and we obviously don't follow the impulse, but they can be very violent impulses, and they can be disturbing. for sure.

I will say that at no time have I felt that I was actually going to do anything, but I have been troubled enough to just seek solitude.

Anyhow, I've noticed them more when I'm stressed/depressed, so I take them as an indication that I need to focus on making positive steps to reduce stress. And I'm not talking getting drunk or whatever, I'm saying reorganize something that's been weighing over my head, do paperwork that needs doing, work on a house project, etc. That's when my good ol' regular ass OCD shines!

But seriously, thank you for posting this. I had NO idea that this was an actual thing, and I feel less crazy for knowing it! You have made me feel more normal today. Notice I didn't say normal, I said MORE normal

And you're not going to lose friends or business over this. Hell, anybody who would chose to be a mechanic for a living is already obviously off their rocker anyhow (what does that say about me and all of my friends? LOL)

EVERYBODY has challenges/issues/etc. that they deal with. This is one of yours. And holding carrying it for a decade before sharing it with your wife illustrates your love for her.

Anybody who would chose to not be your friend after your post was never a friend to begin with. And NOBODY is going to turn down a good mechanic because he's got a few screws loose. Of THAT I can fucking assure you. I realize that you must suffer from the same mentality that: "because being a mechanical technician comes naturally to me, so it must come naturally to everybody..."

On the contrary, I think that this whole symptom set... the desire for solitude, obsessive attention to detail, etc. is what lays the foundation to MAKE a top notch mechanic.

The majority of my friends are touched in the head in one way or another, but I'm friends with some of THE BEST diagnosticians/technicians in their respective fields who also happen to be honest, loving, caring people on earth. These are the people I call friends.



I have a ring of trees in my back yard that are fairly heavily shaded to the north and south, and the house blocks a fair amount of sun from the east. So they've all grown to face the sun in the west... There's one tree in particular that has bent and twisted like a corkscrew over the years chasing the sun as other trees grew larger around it.

The entire little outcropping is really interesting because it's this ring of trees all bending to face the sun, but the corkscrew tree is the one I stare at most.

Is it as as healthy? Will it live as long as the others? I don't know. I don't really care because at the end of the day, none of them are going to be around very fucking long in the grand scheme of existence.

BUT, it seems to have had a bigger challenge than the rest, and it has a much more interesting story to tell than the others. To me, anyhow...