Tweet
I am the owner of a white 2001 Buick Regal LS, which has recently been touched by the hand of God/Allah/Zeus/Captain Kwanzaa.
On the afternoon of October 31st, this car, with 230,000 miles on it, and multiple problems with the engine, interior, and body, caught the fervor of the Holy Spirit, and erupted into flame like the burning bush of Moses' time, whilst parked in my driveway.
It was spontaneous. It was smoky. It was ethereal.
The car burned without consuming itself (except for all the rubber and plastic parts, which are gone), and lo the spirit came to this car and blessed it with the divinity of our savior, and it was born again - a paperweight.
It was baptized in the waters of the local Fire Department, who sprayed it down to avoid structural damage to the houses in the neighborhood.
It is true. Look upon this, thy servant, oh God of our fathers, and know it to be clean. The vestiges of automobile-ery have been shed, and what remains is as pure as the driven snow. And just about as useful.
This automobile has been freed by the spirit of Jesus. No longer a functional, operating vehicle, it is free to be whatever it chooses.
And now, that freedom can be yours (stigmata sold separately).
This free soul, representing all that is pure and holy in our universe, has the following issues not resolved by baptism:
1) The engine really did catch on fire. Yes, really. Fire. No idea why, the FD is supposed to send an inspector to tell us why, but I'm not sure that I care.
2) All the rubber and plastic - meaning all belts, hoses, wires, casings, etc. are melted down.
3) It has 230,000-ish miles on it, and for the past few weeks had real trouble accelerating past 40mph.
4) The inside is fucked. All of it. It will need replacing, and possibly pest control. Seat covers, carpet, you name it.
5) It no longer runs, and never will again.
6) Even if it did run, it would run like shit and probably catch fire again.
7) The drivers side window does not stay up. I have used a paper clip and 2 bolts to patch this problem in what I feel was a very creative solution, but it will need total replacement eventually.
8) The dash lights are out. All of 'em.
9) I lost the fob about a year ago and there is only 1 existing copy of the key (which I have!).
10) The trunk is fucked and will need to be replaced. The carpet, the floor, really all of it. How does one destroy a trunk? Carefully, my friend. Carefully.
11) The heater works, in a technical sense, but you must get it turned on first. The climate control panel is non-responsive about 50% of the time to whatever buttons you may push. The car does not share your earthly concerns for how hot or cold it is outside.
12) The power steering comes and goes. Mostly it goes. There's a hydraulic pin in the rack that is supposed to open when you turn left or right and let in fluid. It no longer does this.
13) The battery melted. Just in case there was any confusion, that's gone too. And may blow up at any minute.
The Good (besides the obvious 'hand of god' stuff)!
1) There are parts in this car that are good and are worth money (to the right person).
If you have a 2001 Regal, this would be a very good parts car. Alternator is great, new radiator (that did NOT burn!), new water pump(!), 4 perfectly good and fairly new tires that are actually on Buick-branded alloy wheels (stock, but this was damn nice stock car back in it's day)
2) A tape deck! Fuck yeah, Murika! Hipsters all over the metroplex just blew a load. A working tape deck. Getting it out of the car? That's your problem.
3) The knowledge that this car has been blessed by Christ.
So here's how I see this going. Either A) You own a junk car service and you want to give me $300 for this paperweight because you ARE that person who can make money of this shit, or B) I turn this into a pick-and-pull, and then call that junk-car company after the car has been self-looted.
Interested in something on or in this car? Wheels, tires, seats, alternator, slightly charred battery? Rearview mirrors? A really cool DIY on how to hold a broken window up with 2 bolts and a paperclip?
Reply to this ad, let me know what you want and what you are willing to pay/trade. I like stuff, so trade offers are welcome! The worst I can say is no, and I am very, very unlikely to say no to anything right about now. But if you want more pics, learn how to use google images. This car is basically a shit-on version of what that search with provide you with. Nothing more, nothing less.
Have a nice day!
Comment