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**Geor!** · 03-16-2012, 02:47 PM

I know that is a repost, but I'm not sure if it's from this board or the other one. Either way, it was funny the first time and funny the second.

**joes01bullitt** · 03-16-2012, 02:51 PM

hahaha that was great........fuck cant believe were that slow at work!

<====paid on commission

**mstng86** · 03-16-2012, 02:52 PM

I loved my dads Jeep Comanche.

**Snatch Napkin** · 03-16-2012, 02:54 PM

That is fucking hilarious!!!!

**VaderTT** · 03-16-2012, 02:58 PM

Holy shit!!!!!! HAHAHA

**71chevellejohn** · 03-16-2012, 03:09 PM

Special Skaters
Posted at: 2011-11-08 05:25:19 | 436 comments | Add Comment
Original ad:
Attention all ice skaters and hockey players! Volunteers needed to train children participating in the Special Olympics hockey team. Anyone with adequate skating skill can be used to help teach our athletes to skate. Please call 410-***-**** or respond to the email address above.
Judy

From Me to ************@**********.org

Judy,

I am writing in response to your ad regarding helping children learn to skate.

I was a legend in minor league hockey until my career was cut short by a career ending injury. I still love the game of hockey though and would love to pass on my skills to your wonderful children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Mike,

I am sorry to hear about your injury. That is very unfortunate. Are you still able to skate? I only ask because we need someone to skate one-on-one with the children.

Judy

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh yes, I am still able to skate. I think you misunderstood me. My career was cut short because I was banned after causing another player to have a career ending injury. It was an unfortunate accident, but the league came down extremely hard on me. It really wasn't fair, if you ask me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Yikes! What were the circumstances of the ban/injury, if you don't mind me asking?

From Me to Judy *******:

Not at all. It really wasn't a big deal. The guy was fine, but everyone turned it into this huge ordeal. During a fight, I broke his eye socket, fish-hooked his cheek apart and slashed his achilles tendon with my skate. He also suffered brain damage from blood loss, but that is more the paramedics fault than mine for letting him bleed out for so long. Looks like the only sport he'll be playing now is "shitting in a bag" (heh heh). Anyway, the pussies at the commissioner's office considered it "gross misconduct" and "assault" and gave me a lifetime ban. Can you believe that? I thought this was supposed to be hockey!

So like I said, I was a legend in minor league hockey. My nickname used to be "Murderin' Mike" (don't worry, I never actually murdered anyone. It was just a cute nickname). I won more fights than everyone else in the division combined. In fact, I've only ever lost one fight on the ice. But I won the rematch in the parking lot (thank you, tire iron!) I know everything there is to know about fighting and would love to pass on my skills to your kids. If you want them to be the best damn hockey fighters in the special olympics, I am your guy. With my training, the other teams won't stand a chance. The ice will be stained with their blood, teeth, and broken dreams.

I am currently in between jobs so I can dedicate a lot of time to helping out.

Best,

Murderin' Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

What do you think this is? The Special Dlympics are for the mentally handicapped. You know that, right? What you described is brutally violent and has no place in the Special Olympics. Frankly I think you deserve to be in jail. Thank you and goodbye.

From Me to Judy *******:

Whoa there. Don't be so dismissive! Do you even know anything about hockey? It sounds to me like you think hockey is just soccer on ice. Well I've got news for you, Judy, you couldn't be more wrong. In hockey, we don't fake injuries and have to miss half the season due to a pulled vagina muscle. We fight it out like men. Fighting is what hockey is all about. It is a tradition that dates back to the first hockey game ever played. If you want your kids to learn how to play hockey, they are going to have to learn how to fight.

I'll teach your kids how get away with everything without the referee seeing it. I'll show them how to make butt-ending, head checking, slashing and tripping look like an accident. They'll learn how to fight like hockey players. I have a whole set of moves I like to use during fights. My personal favorite is the "bowling ball", where you gouge both of the opponent's eyes and then jam your thumb into the roof of their mouth. I used that during a fight once and the guy actually started convulsing! It struck fear into the heart of the other team and we ended up winning the game.

With my expert training, your team will be the most feared team in the entire special olympics. Please reconsider hiring me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

You aren't coming anywhere near these children. Your attitude towards this whole thing is disgusting. Its absolutely disturbing that you find this kind of behavior acceptable. Especially for mentally handicapped children. I don't know what kind of insane league you played in but that is not the level of intensity that's meant for these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh, I get it. You're saying that because these kids are mentally handicapped, that they don't deserve to be treated like regular people? Instead, you want to point out their disabilities and tell them that they will never be able to play hockey like normal people. When I saw in your ad that the kids were mentally challenged, I wasn't fazed. I didn't see kids with disabilities, I saw kids that I could turn into great hockey players. Do you not want them to be able to play hockey like everybody else plays it?

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Give me a freaking break. You know that isn't what I meant. Don't pull that card on me. You expect me to believe that a violent psychopath like you genuinely wants to help the mentally challenged play hockey? Yeah, right! You don't give a damn about these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Judy,

I am starting to think that you are the problem with this team, not the kids. You do not have the right attitude to be working with these kids. If you want to tell these kids that they shouldn't learn hockey the right way because they are mentally challenged, then that is just sad. It is a shame that you are taking away the joy of competitive sports from these kids. Competitive sports are great for kids - it keeps them from turning to drugs and violence in the streets.

Can I please talk to your supervisor? I would like to take your position and suggest that you be fired. You clearly do not have the right attitude to be helping mentally challenged kids.

Sincerely looking forward to taking your job,

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Sure - her number is 1-800-GOTO-HELL

Sincerely done talking to you,

Judy

**Gargamel** · 03-16-2012, 03:48 PM

Originally posted by Snatch Napkin View Post

That is fucking hilarious!!!!

I'm rollin over here... LMAO

**terminator03** · 03-16-2012, 04:00 PM

Murderin Mike lmao

**kanetrain** · 03-16-2012, 04:04 PM

Lmao, just read both of those.... awesome.

**talisman** · 03-16-2012, 04:16 PM

Shit fucking kills me.

**Geor!** · 03-16-2012, 04:19 PM

OK I was skeptical at first, but now I know. It's Don.

Original ad:
I need a large sectional couch and table moved from Norristown PA, to Lincoln NE. Give me a quote, I am offering $1000.00 but am willing to negotiate. You should be able to fit it all in a 16` truck.
Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Hey,

I saw your ad on ********** and think I can help. I regularly take my Ford Festiva to Tallahassee, FL, and I could drop your stuff off along the way.

Let me know if you are interested,

Tim

David ********** to Timmy Tucker

wtf? lincoln is not on the way to florida. are you serious? it would never fit in your festiva anyway.

Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Dave,

Please do not underestimate or insult my Festiva. I swapped the motor with a Ford F350 and am completely capable of towing your sofa on my boat rack. You can even sit on it if you like.

Lincoln is on the way to Florida, and I would have no problem dropping your couch off there, as long as you drop your attitude with me.

- Tim

David ********** to Timmy Tucker

yeay your full of shit. you have a truck motor in your shitty little festiva? bull fucking shit. do you even know where lincoln is? its in NEBRASKA, dumbass! how the FUCK is that on the way to florida

Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Dave,

I don`t appreciate you insulting my car. How would you like it if I insulted your couch? Hopefully I won`t have to resort to that. I am aware that Nebraska is a little bit out of the way, but I was willing to do this out of the kindness of my heart. Now I am seriously reconsidering.

- Tim

David ********** to Timmy Tucker

I DONT WANT UR FUCKING HELP WITH UR SHITTY LITTLE CAR. GO AHEAD INSULT MY COUCH OOH IM FUCKIN SCARED

Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Dave,

I warned you not to insult my car. Well I have something to say about your couch. It sucks! The cushions are probably old, ripped and crusty, and sitting on it is very uncomfortable. Your table sounds like a piece of shit too. Fuck you. I hope you never get laid on that couch again.

- Tim

David ********** to Timmy Tucker

FUCK OFF

**DriveWayBuilt** · 03-16-2012, 04:36 PM

The Comanche one has me rolling. Everyone in the barber shop is looking at me crazy

**Geor!** · 03-16-2012, 07:15 PM

This is a good one.

Original ad:
I am looking for help moving on June 23rd into my new apartment. We will need to load everything from my old apartment into a truck, and then drive to my new place and unload it. I have a lot of furniture that is very heavy, as well as a big screen tv that is bulky. We will need to lift a lot of this stuff down three flights of stairs since it won't fit in my elevator. I will pay $25/hr.
From Mike Anderson to *********@**********.org
Good afternoon!

I saw your ad asking for help moving your furniture into your new apartment. I was wondering if you would be interested in hiring my son. I need him to have a job like this so he can feel better about himself. He has been paralyzed from the neck down for five years now. I always encourage him to do normal things like mow the lawn, take out the trash, etc. so he can still feel important even though he does not have the use of his arms or legs. This job would be a huge boost in his self-esteem and with a little help I am sure he can do it. Please consider him!

Mike

From ***********@hotmail.com to Me
Mike,

I'm sorry, but I don't think this job would be appropriate for your son. A lot of the stuff I need to move is very large and heavy. He sounds like a good kid, but I don't think he would be able to do this. Thanks for the offer, though.

Jerry

From Mike Anderson to ************@hotmail.com
Jerry,

I think you are underestimating my son. He can do anything he puts his mind to. I told him I got him a job and he was so excited. Do I really have to go and tell him that the guy changed his mind because he hates handicapped people?

Mike

From ***********@hotmail.com to Me

Oh man...

I don't hate handicapped people. I really just don't see how your son can help, no offense. How can he move anything with his arms and legs? You said he mows the lawn and takes out the trash, how is that even possible?

I apologize, but next time you shouldn't tell your son you got him a job before making sure it is ok with the employer.

Jerry

From Mike Anderson to ************@hotmail.com
Jerry,

Don't tell me how to raise my son. You don't see me telling you how to move your furniture, do you? You never even met my son, and already you are telling me what he can and can't do. He does a great job mowing the lawn. We tied the lawn mower to the back of his wheelchair and he drags it around. You'd be surprised how much torque that wheelchair has. It makes him feel normal again.

I don't have the heart to tell him that he won't be doing this job, so would you be able to come over here and tell him yourself that you hate him and will not hire him? It is the least you could do.

Mike

From ***********@hotmail.com to Me

You've got to be kidding me. This conversation is over.

**KBScobravert** · 03-16-2012, 08:24 PM

That is some funny shit. Cut/paste and email.

Thanks

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Craiglist trolling - dontevenreply.com - PURE GENIUS

Craiglist trolling - dontevenreply.com - PURE GENIUS

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