Whats your most akward experience in bed with someone that scared you

[Leah]

Well mine started out about 5yrs ago with my mother's best friend.


So one weekend she came up to my parents house along with me and my gf came up to from out of town to visit and stayed the weekend with them, we all went out to have drinks that nite and we all had a good time so as my parents went too bed she went to her bedroom and me and my gf went too ours, so iv'e always had the hot's my moms friend since i was a young perv, so i was sitting on the couch watch tv before bed and decided to go out front and be a peep n tom "i know im a perv" so i did, well when i went out there the window blinds was open, and she was undressing and it was almost like at the time she could see me watching her cause she had a smirk on her face, so after seeing her naked i went back inside and sat on the couch, she came out of her bedroom to go the restroom but when she came out she smiled at me as if she knew i was out there, so i went to my gf room and laid down and as i laid there i said Fk-it and i got up and decided to try my luck, so i went to her bedroom about 10min after i had laid down with my gf, i pulled off my boxer and got myself semi hard i went in there, she was 1/2 sleep but i proceeded to eat her out as i was shaking half to death scared she would scream or i would be fked but she woke up and proceeded to let me eat her out, the rest was history.



Next morning we were both leaving to come back to Ft.worth and she acted as if nothing had ever happend i was still nervous she would say something to my mother all these years later but she hasn't thank god. I still see her and strangely we act as if it never happend wich is why i prolly love OLDER women they know how to play the game.

I will say this she was and still the best lay iv'e ever had.

[Big A]

No worries Leah, you're too old for him.

[Hicompression]

I had a coworker about ten years ago who would tell a horror story about putting it in some girl's ass and pulling it out to find a green bean stuck to his cock.

Along these lines...

While going to college in New Mexico, my roomate's best friend (as was told to me) was porking a chick in the ass bareback style. He pulls out and finds a green chili seed stuck in the tip of his dick-hole. In New Mexico they put green chili on everything. Bet that burned a lil'.

[Leah]

No worries Leah, you're too old for him.

You're lucky you're in SF or I'd punch you in the junk.

[Big A]

You're lucky you're in SF or I'd punch you in the junk.

Sacramento, not San Fran. You can punch me in the junk any time, as long as Chili is filming, and you guys are in Sacramento.

[SNEAKY]

not mine, but funny as SHIT

Most people contract some form of food poisoning at least once a year. Most of the time the symptoms are mild, and can even be mistaken for a 24 hour flu bug. Other times, the symptoms are similar to one having a very bad case of the flu, but rarely do people ever need to go to the hospital for food poisoning.

Just by its nature, the probability of contracting food poisoning from fish is always higher than most other foods. This is why, based on personal experience, I recommend that no one ever engage in anal sex after your date ate a large fish dinner.

We hadn�t been dating that long, only about a month. Even though we'd only been dating a short time, we were having sex since the second date, and it was the best, freakiest, porno-style sex of my life. Seriously, this was the kind of sex that every man, deep down, dreams about having at least once in his life. It was the kind of sex that I had wished for ever since my voice started changing. It was with this woman, and only with this woman, that I was ever addressed with the phrase, �Use your whole fist for Christ�s sake.�

On one now infamous date night, we were enjoying a romantic dinner at an upscale seafood restaurant. Through the entire meal, however, sex was all that was on our minds. In retrospect, every date we ever went on seemed to just be a temporary diversion from the best part of the night, which involved animalistic insertions, feral lickings and brazen misuse of food products. We emptied wine bottle after wine bottle over the course of the dinner, and by the time the main course arrived, fish for her and lobster for me, she slipped off her shoes and casually masturbated me under the table with her stocking covered feet. Completely plastered and horny by the end of the meal, we decided to skip dessert in the restaurant because a much sweeter dessert �was being prepared in her hot, wet crotch,� she said. I paid the bill and narrowly avoided getting a speeding ticket, not to mention a DUI, during the drive back to my place.

By the time we got into my apartment, we were tearing each other�s clothes off. Sloppy in our drunkenness, we knocked over two lamps during our horny, groping journey into the bedroom. Once in the bed, she got down on all fours, arched her back, and presented her delicious ass to me. I grunted my approval while aiming my rock-hard cock missile at her hairy silo. When the head of my cock began to penetrate her lips, she stopped me.

�No. In my ass,� she hissed at me, sounding both horny and angry at the same time.
�Are you sure,� I asked?
She giggled as she said, �If I could handle last night. . .�
Oh yeah, I thought. Last night�s adventure involved a clown mask, three packets of Pop Rocks, and a twenty-inch replica of the Eiffel Tower. What the hell was I thinking? Of course she could handle some anal-action. She reached between her legs and began lubing up her asshole with her own pussy juices. Where did I find this girl? I thought. I was in horn-dog heaven. Blessed. Not being an expert in anal intrusion, I slowly eased my way into her lovely stink-star. First the head, then a quarter of the shaft, and soon I was buried to the hilt between her ass-cheeks.

�Go slowly,� she said, half moaning, half panting in both pleasure and pain, I think. I did as she bid, and very slowly began pulling out, like a steam piston on an old locomotive beginning its first run in a century. Almost all the way out of her, but keeping the head firmly planted in her ass-iris, I slowly began inserting again.

�Yeeeeees!� she moaned and began diddling her clit. Soon she said, �Faster.� So faster I went, the tempo increasing until the train was running at full speed, the piston pumping in and out so fast my cock became a complete blur, her hand rubbing her clit like she was trying to start a friction-fire in her pussy.

�Gnnnnnnnah!� she screamed. Thinking she was close to orgasm, I pumped that ass even faster, faster than Amish meth-head churns butter.
�Gnnnnnahstoooop,� she screamed, or something like this, because the noise in my head was drowning out the reality around me, for in my head I heard a steam locomotive, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-Woo-Woo! Barreling down the tracks, and somehow I pumped even faster.
�YES!� I screamed.
She started reaching behind her and flailing on the bed in what I thought was ecstasy�
��Stop!� she screamed, able to finally get out the word I had mistaken for groans of ecstasy moments ago. She screamed this with such volume and guttural, primal force that it had the effect of pulling the emergency brake on a 100,000 pound locomotive running at full speed. The sex act squealed to a halt, and I pulled my cock out of her ass like the rip-cord on a parachute. Did someone order champagne? No, that popping noise was my cock coming out of her ass.
�Arrrrrrgh!� She screamed, as I yanked my cock free. And then it happened.
Immediately after my cock popped out, I was sprayed from belly to thighs with watery, fish-smelling diarrhea.
�What the�-?� I said, not able to get the word �fuck� out of my mouth because of my shock at the brown funk lining my body. As she sprayed me, she seemed to be propelled forward by the force of the jet-propelled diarrhea, and she collapsed onto her stomach.
�Oh. My. Fucking. God.� I murmured, completely shell-shocked. Everything was still. I could hear my wind-up alarm clock ticking on my dresser. I stared at my shit-covered body. I surveyed the room to see if there was any collateral damage. The trajectory of the diarrhea spray was similar to buck-shot in a sawed-off shotgun; it was everywhere. Unfortunately, during the sex act she had been facing the feet-side of the bed, which meant that the headboard, my bedside table and lamp had poop on them as well. Even my bedside clock had a few speckles staining its face. The bed sheets: Killed in Action. A total loss.

I looked at my date, lying there motionless. I called her name. No response. I called her name while shaking her a bit. Nothing. Fear shot through me, as I thought, �Oh my god, what if she�s dead?� But this fear quickly dissipated when I heard her snoring. She was passed out from the wine. I on the other hand was no longer blasted drunk, because the blast from her ass rendered me completely sober. This night was definitely going down in the (ahem) annals as the all time worst date of my life. In fact, I had to invent a new special category, �Even the Devil would feel sympathetic,� to describe this night.

I cleaned up. I cleaned her up. I cleaned the headboard, the dresser, the lamp and the clock. With some manipulation of her passed out body, I was able to wrangle the sheets from the bed and throw them down the garbage chute. By two in the morning, I found myself lying on my couch, drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle. I don�t remember passing out myself, but I can say that unconsciousness didn�t come soon enough.

�It was food poisoning,� her voicemail message explained to me the next day. After some silence, she added, �The fish.� More silence. �Sorry.� She left this message the following day, around 2:00 p.m. I had slept until Noon, and, thank God, she was gone when I woke up. How do you face that? She never called me again. I never called her. I definitely learned two valuable lessons that night: 1) Never have anal sex after a sea food dinner. 2) Be careful what you wish for. There�s only one other experience in my life that entered into the �Even the Devil would feel sympathetic� category, and frankly I don�t know if I�ll ever be able to tell that story. Let�s just say that the morning after a great one-night-stand, the beautiful woman you banged the night before can certainly use your bathroom. . .but she shouldn�t be more comfortable standing up while she pees.

[Frank]

This had me rolling...

"Last night�s adventure involved a clown mask, three packets of Pop Rocks, and a twenty-inch replica of the Eiffel Tower."

[SNEAKY]

This had me rolling...

"Last night�s adventure involved a clown mask, three packets of Pop Rocks, and a twenty-inch replica of the Eiffel Tower."

The whole thing looked like it was written by 93lxhorse.


Sent from the last stall on the left

[DON SVO]

The whole thing looked like it was written by 93lxhorse.


Sent from the last stall on the left

I was thinking more like a bastardized Tucker Max story...

[SNEAKY]

I was thinking more like a bastardized Tucker Max story...

I dont know who that is


Sent from the last stall on the left

[mustang_revival]

funny thread

[dcs13]

funny thread

3 YEARS old, were you that bored today ?

[Sean88gt]

No worries Leah, you're too old for him.

Leah WAS the old broad!

Better late than never.

[lincolnboy]

i went down on.a chick that was sick and must have not.taken.a bath. she.must have been.sweating cause her cat was stinky. Had this milf go down on me after i was giving it.to her so good, she must have forgot bout the spermecide.