Is it ever okay to tell your son his father is a POS?

[Treasure Chest]

I have never spoken ill of my ex in front of our 12 yr old son, and I've never thought I would, but I'm getting to a point of not being able to keep my mouth shut any longer.

When I met him, he was just out of the airforce, had a decent job, ect, but soon after we married, that all went to shit, and we divorced within the year.

He hasn't held down a job in years, hardly pays child support, is deep in arrears, his wife pays all of their bills, but his saving grace was that he saw his son every weekend. He's not a father, he's always acted like more of a big brother or a buddy, and my son absolutely idolizes him. This sucks because he's not the example of a man that I want for my child, and I already see similar patterns of lacking work ethic, and lack of personal responsibility. To add to it, he's only seeing him about once a month now, and leaving it up to me to explain why. The reason is because he's been in and out of the hospital, claiming that he thinks he has MS, or he thinks he's in liver failure, or some other random bullshit excuse for not getting a job....all of his labs, CT Scans, MRIs are normal, and no one can find anything wrong with him.

I'm on the quick end of losing my patience and telling him that his father is useless and that he should in no way attempt to emulate someone who's never had himself CLOSE to together in the 40 years he's been on this planet. I've always attempted to set and example, and surround him with positive male role models with goals and ambition, but he doesn't get it.

Among the guys in my life, there seems to be a heavier weight among the opinion that nothing should be said, he'll figure it out when he gets older, but I'm skeptical that he'll ever figure it out, and the thought of raising a lazy ass fuck is enough to make me want to shoot kittens.

[DTM_Motorsports]

All you can do is be a posotive role model for him.
Anything you say will only fuel rebellion and cause him to see YOU as the one in the wrong

Just maintain your self control, and if anything just remind your son of the strong ethics you wish
him to have.

If you guide him right, thats the best you can do, people become what they will, all you can do is your part.

Trying to deflate his image of his father would do FAR more harm than good, trust me !!!

[STRONGNUFF]

Just my .02, don't do it ! I absolutely hated my ex, but NEVER said an ill word to my daughter while she was growing up. I figured she would see it on her own as she got older, which she did. Be the bigger parent and allow your child to look up to him. Like I said, just my .02

[Silverback]

I would say be honest with him when he asks why... but don't let your negativity towards his father have any influence. He'll figure it all out in due time

[Treasure Chest]

That's pretty much been my stance through the years. I've never disclosed whether child support is paid or pointed out that I can't do all of the fun things with him that his dad does (though I have no idea where he gets the money to piss away) because I work or have other responsibilities. He seems to have the idea that he can fuck off and still get all of the extras without working because his dad does. That goes against everything I've ever stood for.

[LS1Goat]

No.

Allow him to form his own opinions without your cynical and jaded input. Parents being speaking negatively about one another in front of their children will not nurture a healthy psychology for the child. All it does is provide you with temporary solace by venting your grievances to someone who will listen. That someone does not need to be a 12 y/o kid. It will make you feel better, but be detrimental to the child. As he grows older he will be able to make his own determinations as to the character (or lack of) his father. Allow him that opportunity to do so at his own time.

Be the bigger person and purge your grievances to a friend or family member, or even a therapist. This will be the best course of action, if you truly love your child.

Remember, your feelings about his father are emotionally charged. You are entitled to your anger. Sounds quite justified. However, Find another set of ears. There are no shortage of dead beat dads out there, but don't visit your angst on the kid. It might just cause him confusion and anxiety. It's actually selfish on the part of the parent. IMO.

[Treasure Chest]

No.

Allow him to form his own opinions without your cynical and jaded input. Parents being speaking negatively about one another in front of their children will not nurture a healthy psychology for the child. All it does is provide you with temporary solace by venting your grievances to someone who will listen. That someone does not need to be a 12 y/o kid. It will make you feel better, but be detrimental to the child. As he grows older he will be able to make his own determinations as to the character (or lack of) his father. Allow him that opportunity to do so at his own time.

Be the bigger person and purge your grievances to a friend or family member, or even a therapist. This will be the best course of action, if you truly love your child.

Remember, your feelings about his father are emotionally charged. You are entitled to your anger. Sounds quite justified. However, Find another set of ears. There are no shortage of dead beat dads out there, but don't visit your angst on the kid. It might just cause him confusion and anxiety. It's actually selfish on the part of the parent. IMO.

I'll own it, it is emotionally charged. I've watched this guy use and manipulate my grandparents (he lived with them for 7 years after our divorce, when he did pay child support, it was because he got the $210 a month from my grandfather, and lately, he's been trying to play on my 85 yr old widowed grandmother for all of the "medical bills" he's incurred, even though he's been going to the VA hospital), he's even asked me for copies of my son's birth certificate and social security card so he can claim him as a dependent to get a lone star card.....it's all things I've kept mum on, because I never wanted to put a 12 yr old in the middle of anything.

In the end, I guess I really know the answer, I'm just looking for reassurance that keeping my mouth shut is the right course of action, and the opportunity to vent in a somewhat anonymous forum, though I've had a few good male friends say it's ok to say something.

[Roscoe]

My step son is now 18. His sperm donor was not in his life at all from age 3-15. For his 14th birthday, he wanted to see his bio. We are close with the sperm donor's parents, but the donor has always been "embarrassed" about his role and always been in hiding.

After this miraculous meeting, my step son has kind of become buddies with his bio. Not a father figure by any stretch, but more of a buddy.

Even though I think the bio (who has never paid a dime and broken many promises of late for visits, school clothes, etc) is a raging POS, I've never said one cross word about him.

It may take time, but the parenthesis statement above will show in time. You won't have to tell him anything negative about his biological dad. He'll figure it out, and he'll think more of you when he does.

Trust me. It's taken until he's now 18, but he's not even talking to him on the phone much anymore over the past 6mo since several promises have been broken.

[Hobie]

I would say keep your mouth shut, he'll figure it out on his own, I know I did.

[Mike]

No.

Allow him to form his own opinions without your cynical and jaded input. Parents being speaking negatively about one another in front of their children will not nurture a healthy psychology for the child. All it does is provide you with temporary solace by venting your grievances to someone who will listen. That someone does not need to be a 12 y/o kid. It will make you feel better, but be detrimental to the child. As he grows older he will be able to make his own determinations as to the character (or lack of) his father. Allow him that opportunity to do so at his own time.

Be the bigger person and purge your grievances to a friend or family member, or even a therapist. This will be the best course of action, if you truly love your child.

Remember, your feelings about his father are emotionally charged. You are entitled to your anger. Sounds quite justified. However, Find another set of ears. There are no shortage of dead beat dads out there, but don't visit your angst on the kid. It might just cause him confusion and anxiety. It's actually selfish on the part of the parent. IMO.

Spot on.

[scootro]

your 40 years old?

[yzf1k]

i'm a single dad to a 5 year old girl, ever since before she was 1, and her mom has been as responsible a role model as your ex, if not worse - w/out going into details, it's pretty damn hard not to tell my daughter the facts, but i'm sure it's better for her to just think happy thoughts, and not have to try to process negative info. about her mom -
(although it sucks, kind of feels like you're not allowed to tell your child the truth, and it's one more thing you have to keep inside after already dealing with the ex's b.s.) -don't feel like the lone ranger, and kudos to you for keeping your son out of the drama -

[BlackSnake]

no

[bcoop]

I would say be honest with him when he asks why... but don't let your negativity towards his father have any influence. He'll figure it all out in due time

Agreed. My kid's mom hasn't been around in years, or ever, really. He never heard a single bad word about her. He will be 10 this summer. The standard line I've given him his whole life about she is working on being a better mommy, wasn't working anymore. I took a few days, thought of the best way to approach it, and we sat down and had a talk. I gave him the facts. Where she is, why he hasn't heard from her, I sugarcoated everything and put it as delicately as it could have been put. He doesn't know all the details, and doesn't need to. Then he asked some more questions, and that was the last I've heard of it.


This is way different though. Your situation something I'm going to have to go through at some point, and I'm not ready for it.

[Treasure Chest]

your 40 years old?

He's 40. I'm in my early 30's.