Is it ever okay to tell your son his father is a POS?

[Treasure Chest]

I dont agree with that one bit! I have a 4 year old daughter & if her mother was telling her I was a piece of shit. I have to honestly say I would be done with you all together & we wouldn't speak unless it concerned our child.

Also I think you will just make your son have bad feeling towards you considering it is his Dad & EVERY BOY NEEDS A MAN IN HIS LIFE. Its how boys become MEN! Dont take that from him.

If you want to convey your frustrations. When your son wants to go on a field trip at school or do a sport. Tell your son. Ask your Dad if he will help pay for it. That way if it is your son asking it will touch his Dads concious if he has one which I was told in life to let my concious be my guidence.

Remember ladies, bad husbands don't always make bad fathers. So, if you do have to talk about it - keep the two aspects separate.

According to the stories in this thread though - the men are bad at both. Just remember to keep the two jobs separate. They've already been terminated as husbands, so be sure you're not confusing the two roles in your life that you're expecting the dudes to meet.

Otherwise, I agree with everything posted about not telling. Even if he is a bad father now, he may shape up in a few years (that 14-18 y/o age is where you'd like the true father to be around and helping a little) and then he (son) may wonder "WTF" in regards to what you've been saying. Also, remember kids can be very forgiving - way more then us adults. They are kids and generally want everyone to just get along.

It's not about being a bad father, in my mind. He has been very active, up until the last few months. I've always overlooked the "buddy parenting" approach, and I don't equate payment of child support with being a good parent, especially since it's not something that I've ever had to rely on to make ends meet.

When I say he's a POS, I mean that he's a terrible example of a man. Maybe it's naive and old-fashioned, but I was raised to believe that a real man has a work ethic, a drive to provide for himself and his family, and that he will do whatever he can to rise to meet the responsibilities that life throws his way.

So the two are mutually exclusive, he can be an active and involved father, but he's in no way the type of man I want my son to grow up to be.

[Captain Crawfish]

i dont see anything wrong with it. if he's a loser your son might as well learn about it now. have your son ask him when he's gonna get a job? that should do the trick.

[BlackSnake]

It's not about being a bad father, in my mind. He has been very active, up until the last few months. I've always overlooked the "buddy parenting" approch, and I don't equate payment of child support with being a good parent, especially since it's not something that I've ever had to rely on to make ends meet.

When I say he's a POS, I mean that he's a terrible example of a man. Maybe it's naive and old-fashioned, but I was raised to believe that a real man has a work ethic, a drive to provide for himself and his family, and that he will do whatever he can to rise to meet the responsibilities that life throws his way.

So the two are mutually exclusive, he can be an active and involved father, but he's in no way the type of man I want my son to grow up to be.

OK, so why do you feel the need to tell your son what he can already see for himself?

[Treasure Chest]

i dont see anything wrong with it. if he's a loser your son might as well learn about it now. have your son ask him when he's gonna get a job? that should do the trick.

He's been "working on his master's degree" for 6 years now. He claims that he"s still working on his thesis, but the statute of limitation for his master's in history at SFA was up in January. There's always some sort of excuse justifying his lack of responsibility.

[D. Lil]

yeah, you will not get through to a 12 yo

[Treasure Chest]

OK, so why do you feel the need to tell your son what he can already see for himself?

I don't think he really understands that it's a bad thing.
A couple examples, my ex paid the kids for their chores. If they did everything on their list, they would make a dollar per chore. If they didn't do a chore and he had to, they'd pay HIM $2. My oldest figured out the bare minimum he'd have to do to break even.

Last week, the boys asked if they could do something for cash, so we told them they could pick dandelions. If they got the tap root, they made 10 cents per weed, if they just got the top, it was a penny. They had the opportunity to make quite a bit of money, and the younger one happily pulled weeds until dark to get as much money as he could. The oldest one pulled just enough to get the minimum cash he needed for the carnival at school, and enlisted one of his friends to help him (for free) so they could go play.

[Silverback]

I don't think he really understands that it's a bad thing.
A couple examples, my ex paid the kids for their chores. If they did everything on their list, they would make a dollar per chore. If they didn't do a chore and he had to, they'd pay HIM $2. My oldest figured out the bare minimum he'd have to do to break even.

Last week, the boys asked if they could do something for cash, so we told them they could pick dandelions. If they got the tap root, they made 10 cents per weed, if they just got the top, it was a penny. They had the opportunity to make quite a bit of money, and the younger one happily pulled weeds until dark to get as much money as he could. The oldest one pulled just enough to get the minimum cash he needed for the carnival at school, and enlisted one of his friends to help him (for free) so they could go play.

Sounds to me like your oldest son is figuring out the difference between work to live, and live to work, and at early age.

He needed money to go to the carnival. He did enough work to make that money. He found someone gullible enough to do the work for free so that'd he could finish faster and still go to the carnival and play. Smart kid

[Treasure Chest]

Sounds to me like your oldest son is figuring out the difference between work to live, and live to work, and at early age.

He needed money to go to the carnival. He did enough work to make that money. He found someone gullible enough to do the work for free so that'd he could finish faster and still go to the carnival and play. Smart kid

LOL Yes, it was very corporate of him.
It's the same with everything, though, whether it's school, chores, extras....he does the bare minimum to get by instead of putting in his best effort. That's frustrating to me when my child is so intelligent, and has so much potential, but lacks motivation and drive.

[Silverback]

LOL Yes, it was very corporate of him.
It's the same with everything, though, whether it's school, chores, extras....he does the bare minimum to get by instead of putting in his best effort. That's frustrating to me when my child is so intelligent, and has so much potential, but lacks motivation and drive.

Typically those with that much natural intellect tend to find ways to "outsmart" the system until they find something they are passionate about. Genius can go two ways, serial killer or innovator.

He doesn't want to spend most of his time dedicated to tasks that he finds boring and doesn't provide him with a sense of accomplishment.

The best thing you can do is help him discover something that he's passionate about, and continue to instill good values and morals in him, and let him grow up his own way. The worst thing you can do is push him completely against the way he wants to go until he breaks and rebels against you and anyone that reminds him of you. Sometimes he has to make the mistakes worth making in order to understand how to avoid them in the future, the best part is, he'll always have you in his corner to comfort him, and reassure him that things can get better when they seem their worst.

Try to separate your views of his father and how much the things he does remind you of him, and rest assured that you're doing everything you can to raise him to be a possitive and respectful man. Hopefully he only learns some of Robert's good sides, and not the severly twisted and mental shit that dude has going on upstairs

[Ruffdaddy]

I don't think he really understands that it's a bad thing.
A couple examples, my ex paid the kids for their chores. If they did everything on their list, they would make a dollar per chore. If they didn't do a chore and he had to, they'd pay HIM $2. My oldest figured out the bare minimum he'd have to do to break even.

Last week, the boys asked if they could do something for cash, so we told them they could pick dandelions. If they got the tap root, they made 10 cents per weed, if they just got the top, it was a penny. They had the opportunity to make quite a bit of money, and the younger one happily pulled weeds until dark to get as much money as he could. The oldest one pulled just enough to get the minimum cash he needed for the carnival at school, and enlisted one of his friends to help him (for free) so they could go play.

That actually sounds really intelligent. Plus...10cents a weed was probably not worth it beyond what he needed the money for.

Make him work for his dinner maybe? haha

[talisman]

Typically those with that much natural intellect tend to find ways to "outsmart" the system until they find something they are passionate about. Genius can go two ways, serial killer or innovator.

He doesn't want to spend most of his time dedicated to tasks that he finds boring and doesn't provide him with a sense of accomplishment.

The best thing you can do is help him discover something that he's passionate about, and continue to instill good values and morals in him, and let him grow up his own way. The worst thing you can do is push him completely against the way he wants to go until he breaks and rebels against you and anyone that reminds him of you. Sometimes he has to make the mistakes worth making in order to understand how to avoid them in the future, the best part is, he'll always have you in his corner to comfort him, and reassure him that things can get better when they seem their worst.

Try to separate your views of his father and how much the things he does remind you of him, and rest assured that you're doing everything you can to raise him to be a possitive and respectful man. Hopefully he only learns some of Robert's good sides, and not the severly twisted and mental shit that dude has going on upstairs

This post is fucking dead on balls accurate. The kid is not being challenged enough and is bored. Hopefully you can help him find an outlet for it, otherwise he is going to be very restless as he gets older.

[barronj]

His name is not Scott, is it?

One of the most worthless individuals I know is just what you've described. His wife, a total enabler to the point of putting them in the poor house each month, works for me. I try not to have any discussions with her about him, because it steams me, but when we do, I remind her that his biggest failing as a father is the role model he's not being for the kids. She's as stupid as he is if they both think the kids aren't gonna figure it out.

BUM.

His saving grace is that he's totally sober, would never put a hand on her or the kids... other than that, a douche.

They don't have custody of their own kids, so you could be his ex wife.

[Captain Crawfish]

Sounds to me like your oldest son is figuring out the difference between work to live, and live to work, and at early age.

He needed money to go to the carnival. He did enough work to make that money. He found someone gullible enough to do the work for free so that'd he could finish faster and still go to the carnival and play. Smart kid

agreed this kid has the makings of a CEO

[Treasure Chest]

His name is not Scott, is it?

One of the most worthless individuals I know is just what you've described. His wife, a total enabler to the point of putting them in the poor house each month, works for me. I try not to have any discussions with her about him, because it steams me, but when we do, I remind her that his biggest failing as a father is the role model he's not being for the kids. She's as stupid as he is if they both think the kids aren't gonna figure it out.

BUM.

His saving grace is that he's totally sober, would never put a hand on her or the kids... other than that, a douche.

They don't have custody of their own kids, so you could be his ex wife.

Lol No, his name isn't Scott. Scott's one up on him because he apparently has a job.

[Treasure Chest]

agreed this kid has the makings of a CEO

You have to learn the business before you can run the business. His dad's last job (and he had already graduated with his BS in history) was working in the stockroom at Hastings. He claims that they offered him a position as a manager, but he turned it down because he said he didn't want that much responsibility. He ended up quitting because he supposedly injured his wrist picking up a box, and he didn't think that being moved to cashier was light enough duty for his 'injury.'