Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

This is spot on.

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • This is spot on.



    Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

    ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

    Kyle Mortensen would gladly give his life to protect what he says is the Constitution's very clear stance against birth control.

    "Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

    According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

    "Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

    "Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

    According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

    Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

    "And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.

    Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.

    "Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

    Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.

    "The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

    "Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."

  • #2
    I am laughing uncontrollably at you posting an onion news report in the political forum.

    Comment


    • #4
      Actually, THIS is spot on

      News in Brief
      Liberals Return To Sodomy, Welfare Fraud

      November 10, 2004 | ISSUE 40•45
      Article Tools

      Share on TumblrShare on Tumblr
      Email
      Print
      Share

      Related Articles

      'Time' Publishes Definitive Obama Puff Piece
      07.18.08
      Bush Vows To Put Man On Moon Before It Disappears At End Of Month
      01.05.05

      BERKELEY, CA—No longer occupied by the 2004 election, liberals across the country have returned to the activities they enjoy most: anal sex and cheating the welfare system. "I've been so busy canvassing for the Democratic Party, I haven't had a single moment for suckling at the government's teat or no-holds-barred ass ramming," said Jason Carvelli, an unemployed pro-hemp activist. "Now, my friends and I can finally get back to warming our hands over burning American flags and turning kids gay." Carvelli added that his "number-one priority" is undermining the efforts of freedom-loving patriots everywhere.

      I wear a Fez. Fez-es are cool

      Comment


      • #5
        Originally posted by Aceman85turbo View Post
        I am laughing uncontrollably at you posting an onion news report in the political forum.
        Even though it's the onion and satire. It's amazing how many people actually think like this. They confuse one document for another and hearsay as fact. Then vote accordingly. For every smart voter there is at least a multitude of idiots voting on either side.

        LOL

        Originally posted by Forever_Fox View Post
        If only they could have an area where you could perform anal sex on each other while waiting in line for the welfare check.

        Comment


        • #6
          Originally posted by Avery'sDad View Post
          Even though it's the onion and satire. It's amazing how many people actually think like this. They confuse one document for another and hearsay as fact. Then vote accordingly. For every smart voter there is at least a multitude of idiots voting on either side.
          .

          you at least acknowledge it happens on both sides. Obama got elected by people thinking they wouldn't have to pay their mortgage anymore.

          Comment


          • #7
            Originally posted by stinginstang View Post
            you at least acknowledge it happens on both sides. Obama got elected by people thinking they wouldn't have to pay their mortgage anymore.
            Or pay for gas and that the stimulus came from Obama's bucks
            I wear a Fez. Fez-es are cool

            Comment


            • #8
              Originally posted by Avery'sDad View Post

              If only they could have an area where you could perform anal sex on each other while waiting in line for the welfare check.
              They do, it's called San Francisco
              I wear a Fez. Fez-es are cool

              Comment


              • #9
                Originally posted by Forever_frost View Post
                They do, it's called San Francisco
                Nice!

                Comment


                • #10
                  Bazinga!
                  Originally posted by BradM
                  But, just like condoms and women's rights, I don't believe in them.
                  Originally posted by Leah
                  In other news: Brent's meat melts in your mouth.

                  Comment

                  Working...
                  X