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The Ultimate Lance Armstrong Oprah Winfrey Confessionstravaganza Drinking Game
Wondering how to get through three hours of Lance Armstrong and Oprah looking deep into each others' eyes? We can help.
There are some amusing Lance-Oprah Drinking Game spoofs kicking around right now, like this one by Drunk Cyclist, but there’s also a problem: in terms of what game designers call “game play,” they’re not sustainable. We ran a simulation of the Drunk Cyclist game, modeling the exercise using the height, weight, and alcohol-tolerance figures of a typical young staffer at Outside (this guy), and the results were terrifying. Thirty minutes in, our test subject had a BAC of 1.8, which is enough to put you in the emergency room and/or a pledge class at the University of Tennessee.
Outside’s drinking game—designed by @alexheard with help from @mmmaiko, @billgifford, @keyeser, and helpful Twitterati including Scott Faldon (@SF_TimesRecord) and “Ed” (@ednl)—is both playable and survivable.
You will “feel the effects,” certainly, but not so much that your speech will be slurred when you wave a fist at the screen and call Lance a lying jerk. Your game-day supplies and rules are below. Also helpful to have on hand: a sober Designated Bike Nerd™ to make calls during any difficult-to-judge moments that may come up during the interview
YOU WILL NEED
- Beer
- Vodka or Gin
- Bread, water (¡paniagua!)
- Red Hots Candy (each Red Hot symbolizing a dose of EPO)
- Blood Shot (vodka and Red Bull, cranberry juice, etc.)
- “Bendy” straws
Unless otherwise noted, “drink” means a normal-sized sip of beer.
THE RULES
1. Drink if Lance interrupts Oprah mid-question. Drink again if Oprah interrupts Lance interrupting her question.
2. Drink anytime Lance uses one of these phrases: “Totally false,” “I won’t go into a lot of details about that,” “How many times do I have to say ... ?”, “I have no idea,” or “I know what it’s like to grow up without a father figure.”
3. Drink (with a bendy straw) anytime Lance or Oprah drinks water through a bendy straw
4. Anytime Lance and Oprah hug, drink. Anytime either one sniffles or sobs, Blood Shot.
5. Drink anytime Lance denies being a bully. If Lance sounds angry or stares at Oprah menacingly while denying being a bully, Blood Shot.
6. Drink (with EPO chaser) anytime Oprah stares silently at Lance for longer than three (3) seconds, using “the psychiatrist’s pause” to unnerve him into giving a more revealing answer.
7. If you physically cringe at a question or answer, drink. If you look away from the screen or leave the room during a question or answer, Blood Shot.
8. Drink anytime Lance blames somebody or something else for creating conditions that prompted his illegal or unethical actions. Example: “Once it became obvious how corrupt the sport was, and how much doping was already going on in Europe ...”
9. Chug if Lance says anything outing or legally implicating any of these people: Pat McQuaid, Hein Verbruggen, Thom Weisel, or any Tour rider who has not already admitted to doping.
10. Drink (in stated amounts) if Lance apologizes directly to any of these people:
- George Hincapie (¡paniagua!)
- Floyd Landis (bendy-straw beer sip)
- Tyler Hamilton (drink)
- Alberto Contador (Blood Shot, EPO chaser)
- Betsy Andreu, Travis Tygart, or Jeff Novitzky (faint, come to, ¡paniagua!, drink)
11. Bonuses:
- Lance mentions Dr. Ferrari (drink)
- Mentions Chris Carmichael (do five push-ups, drink)
- Mentions Phil, Paul, or Bob Roll (reach deep into your suitcase of astonishment and drink)
- Mentions Al Trautwig or John Tesh (do a gymnastic “sticks the landing” pose; drink double Blood Shots)
12. Drink anytime Lance refers to Livestrong as “we.”
13. Drink anytime Lance rubs his chin with his right hand and then “fans” his fingers.
14. Chug if Lance says something closely approximating this: “At some point, I’d denied it so many times that I guess I began to believe what I was saying.”
15. Drink anytime cancer is mentioned. Chug if Lance says: “At this point, this is really about me getting back to doing what I love: competing and kicking cancer’s ass.”
16. Finish your drink, drink a shot, and make a "BRRRIIIING!" sound if Oprah mentions @billgifford’s Livestrong article. Anyone wearing a yellow wristband at the party takes an extra shot.
17. Triple Blood Shot if Oprah tells Lance, “You really can change your own reality based on the way that you think.” Chug everything in the room if she hands him a copy of The Secret.
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